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4 Year Relationship Crumbling

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years. I have found a situation similar to mine with the title of “My Girlfriend Lost Her Feelings” answered by Dr. Marie Harwell-Walker on psychcentral. However, I wanted to further the question into what actually the person who will be waiting can do.

In the answer to the question, Dr. Marie said how people’s lives diverge when they go off and have different experiences with different people. My girlfriend is living overseas, and this rings very true to me. She got involved in her new life, which made her question our relationship. At the end, she said she no longer feels emotions towards me. I had to let her go.

It has been a week since we have broken up. I agree that more likely, she will find someone who has more things in common with the people around her. While I realize there isn’t much that I can do, I want to do what is possible to kindle that possibility of meeting again and starting over in a couple of years.

I am not contacting her at this moment, and do not plan to do so for a long time, until I have stabilized. At the same time, I do want to know from my girlfriend’s point of view, on what I can do to maximize the chance that we will meet again in the future.

We have always spoken about how she will come to the states to go off to the east coast together when I go there for my graduate degree. We have dreamed of that moment together, but I know she no longer feels that strongly in her heart. My plan is to live strong in the next 2 years or so, and to visit her overseas to meet her and to convince her to join me in what we planned so long ago.

I know people have told me to forget, and to live my life. But this person is whom I have promised more than marriage with, and I do not want to lose her if I can.

Please advise me on what the best direction I can take is.

If your ex-girlfriend has made it clear that she isn’t interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, you better listen. She’s explained that she doesn’t have these feelings for you anymore, and while it is difficult, holding onto those feelings isn’t healthy for you. Going in orbit around your ex-girlfriend is putting your life on hold — with no guarantee that you would even meet again, much less start up a relationship again.

I would take the next several months to heal. Perhaps individual or group therapy can help. The work for you now is on making new connections, meeting new people, and learning new things — not on plotting some romantic chance meeting in the future with your ex girlfriend. Put the effort into self-care now. That is the best place to invest your time, energy, and resources.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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