I’ve been having problems lately with pedophilia. I’ve never had these problems before until now. What I mean is that I felt sexually attracted to girls around 12 years old or at least looked like that. They did not look like prepubescent children.
There are a couple of things to take into account: I have a slow growth, and even if I’m 15, I look like 12 year old. I also lived in a country where my classmates were surprisingly smaller than in where I currently live in. I remember that I liked a girl around 2 years ago that looked like a 12-13 year old. (She looked like me, though.)
Now, my anxiety comes from realizing that my fantasies could make me a pedophile. I’ve thought that deep, deep inside me I am not a pedo. I have had HOCD and now JUST after getting over it I get this. Thing is that I have fantasized about these kind of girls. I even got a boner out of a fantasy with another girl that I had back when I was I think 11 years old. It’s like I fantasize with girls that have somewhat matured sexually.
What makes me doubt is that the attraction was already there, and I just knew that I could be a pedo. That scares me, a lot. I’ve tried to stop thinking about the fantasies (don’t get me wrong, I love girls my age and older. In fact, I fantasize a ton more bout girls that are around my age) And I have failed to a certain extent. I had this (and still have) like this period where I don’t like the fantasies as much, because I think I’m getting older and all that stuff and just saw all these girls as cute but not sexually attractive, but I couldn’t take the sexual tension and I end up masturbating but feeling bad about it. (I don’t end up enjoying it, it feels wrong and like “Why am I doing this”)
There are a couple reasons that make me think I am not a pedophile.
-When I was little I liked girls my age and I’ve stopped liking that because I’m not a pedo
-I see little kids as little brothers/sisters, not sexually attractive
-As I’ve said, I think that I am not a pedo. There’s just something within me that tells me that. (From Mexico)
As a 15-year-old teenage boy I appreciate your sensitivity, concern, and awareness. However, rather then identifying your reaction in a diagnostic way, I think it is best to store with what we know is absolutely true: you are not comfortable with these thoughts.
The anxiety you feel and concern is what needs to be sorted through. I would recommend two things. First I would find a trusted adult, perhaps a teacher in your school, that you can talk to about his concerns. Secondly, I would recommend using our forums here, they will allow you to talk about these feelings with others who struggle with them.
Finally, it would certainly be appropriate for you to talk to your physician the next time you go to the doctor. Physicians who work with teenagers are familiar with the kinds of concerns you have.
Wishing you patience and peace,