Hello, I am on here regarding a recent introspection I seem to be having of myself. I am no expert, I haven’t a PhD, but I’ve noted over the past year my emotions have become more and more dull. I rarely feel bad about hurting other people emotionally and physically, in fact, the other day I almost bludgeoned my sister with a hammer. I only pretend to be apologetic. I get an adrenaline rush instead of guilt, and the lines between fear and excitement in my mind have become blurred. I’m still doubtful though because I am a sadomasochist, I like to get hurt as well as hurt people. I’m not completely emotionless, I cry (albeit over selfish reasons). I get angry. I laugh. I know how to act nice as well, everyone who is not close to me can rarely discern my intentions. At certain times I can make myself feel a certain way. I am still a teenager so maybe I am in way over my head, but I am reaching 18 soon, and I fear I will let this part of me consume my being.
It’s worrisome that you nearly “bludgeoned” your sister with a hammer. If it’s true, then it’s obviously concerning. It’s never okay to physically harm someone. It might suggest that you are at risk of becoming a violent person.
The fact that you have these types of thoughts is worrisome however, you are aware of them and are seeking help for them. I find this very encouraging. It demonstrates your insightfulness and openness to correct whatever may be wrong. These are always positive signs.
I recommend consulting a mental health professional for an objective evaluation. This will help you to know if your concerns are valid and most importantly, what to do to prevent any possible violence. It’s impossible for me to provide an evaluation over the internet. I don’t have the opportunity to ask additional questions about your concerns. I hope you that will consider consulting a mental health professional. They will help you know how to proceed. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle