I am 23, and I grew up in foster care from 5-12 years of age. I was adopted and when I became too difficult for them, I was sent to my adopted father’s parent’s house. I got a job as soon as I turned 16, finally went back to public school and proceeded to do all the things teens do. I drank, I smoked weed, I snuck off, dated when I wasn’t suppose to…etc. I fell in love and found I was pregnant when I was 17. I miscarried and continued the relationship with my ex. He dumped me in the emergency room. (Sad thing is I think about him more than I do about my husband.) I felt abandoned by everyone. I became self destructive and hit my all time low, by living in my car. I went to AIT (for the Army) and ended up on border patrol. I met and married my husband within a month’s time. Our relationship was “perfect” when we were both making money and had a stable environment on border patrol. We moved back home and he started doing drugs, we fought constantly and anytime I wanted to leave, he’d remind me I had no where to go. I found out I was pregnant and things changed. He joined the Army and we have been at Fort Campbell ever since. I now have been married for almost 5 years and we have two children together. I feel trapped though. I don’t know if I really love him or not. I care for him, but there is no sparks anymore. He drinks when he is home and I am left with the kids 24/7. Deployments are worse and I currently don’t feel like cleaning, I don’t feel like cooking or even taking care of my kids whom I LOVE to pieces. I found my biological family last May and my fairytale of finding my real family was short lived. I hate my mom, I dislike my dad. I feel like I am going to end up being just like them and hurting my children. My mother and both of my brothers are bipolar, I haven’t been diagnosed. I use to see and hear things all the time and here recently I have started seeing and hearing things again. Am I depressed? Do I need to see a counselor? I don’t know what I need to do. I feel helpless and I HATE it. I feel like I am no longer my own person.
Thank you for writing about your history and your current struggle. I think it is the right thing to do to see a counselor. Since you are on the base there are services you can receive there. I would encourage you to make the appointment now. I would not wait for the stressors in your life to build up. You owe it to yourself, your husband and most of all your children to get some help. A combination of medicine and therapy will most likely help, so in addition to the counselor’s appointment you should have a physical done as well and talk to the physician about your situation.
Wishing you patience and peace,