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Asking the big questions

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I really don’t know where to start because im not sure whats wrong with me. Im don’t know what to believe, i have conflicting beliefs and i dont know what to chose. One of the certain things is that im an agnostic, i dont know if there is or isnt a god and if so how do you prove it. Frankly i don’t care if there is a god and this leads to one of my uncertainies. I am a nihilist, i believe that everything is nothing, there are no values, morals, ethics and existance is meaningless. When im alone im my true self and then im very pessimistic. Anouther certain belief is that im a prespectiveist, this kind of goes along with nihilism as i believe that nothing is exact(by that imean that everything can not be exact and i mean that nothingness is the only thing exact), everything is relitive, nothing was(again i mean that i afew ways) we gave nothing(aka everything) a defination and/or meaning. Recantly ive also look in to Solipsism, i mean really how do we know whats real besides our own thoughts. Though i also think that independant thought doesn’t exist because what are we but a bunch of molecules reacting randomly which porduces what we call thought. Im introverted to the point that i overthink allmost everthing and i also froget alot of my past, and i also sometimes mixup what i thought and what i did. Sometimes i think i have major depression(half of me wants me to be depressed where the other dosen’t) thought i may be bipolar because i do have elevated moods and energy. I really want to kill my self sometimes because i know we all are going to die and become nothing. Of course i haven’t yet and thats partally because im undesided about it(though by continueing to live im i saying that im 50.00000000…1% for liveing and 49.99999…% for death). Along with that my reason for lving is simpally to watch humans pointlessly try and delay the end and “better” the world. Personally i hate humans because we think we are great when we aren’t and we are also ruining this planet. Due to this
i also think im psycotic or insane(and again part of me wants to be). I don’t like my life much, and i watch alot of anime and sometimes fantasize that im in that world because they are more eventfull, intresting and i really like the remantic part of them. From all this there is still a part of me that somewhat enjoys living. From all this there is always conflict inside me and i dont what to do about it and thats why im have. These are most of my actual thoughts so i hope you can help me, but if not it doesn’t really matter because ill die eather way.

You led with the idea that you are confused about everything. I don’t think so. I think you are the kind of person who asks the big questions. You are exploring the meaning of life, spirituality, ethics, and morals. Although you are frustrated with the inability to come to conclusions, you and I both know you would not satisfied with glib or easy answers. It’s also unfair to yourself to label your restlessness as “confusion”. Rather, you are struggling with the task of sorting deep and intricate ideas.This is not the stuff that the usual 16 year old thinks about but you’re not the usual 16 year old.

I can’t, of course, give you a total clean bill of mental health on the basis of a letter, but I can ask you to sit with the possibility that you aren’t ill but rather that you are a philosopher in the making. You would probably find it exciting to meet and talk to other people like yourself. University level courses in cosmology and philosophy are something to look forward to. If there is a college nearby, I encourage you to sign up for a summer philosophy course to help you organize some of your thinking.

Then again, just because someone is a philosopher doesn’t mean that he can’t also be depressed or anxious or have social anxiety. For that reason, I suggest that you seek out an evaluation by a psychotherapist. Talking with a skilled therapist may give you some reassurance as well as some practical skills for grappling with such big ideas.

The excitement of the pursuit of truth is what balances despair for many philosophers. Engaging with others about ideas is what can make life satisfying and worth living. I sincerely hope you will join in that kind of conversation.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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