Home Author
Author

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

AnxietyOCDTherapy

Anxiety About Thoughts

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, i experience a problem that makes it very uncomfortable to be near other people. I will be sitting in a quiet environment and a thought will start popping into my head that i believe is wrong and humiliating. It tends to feel very loud and insistent and i have absolutely no control over it. And its the opposite of what i believe. For ages i will be terrified that im saying it out loud, even to the point where i try to hold my breath to stop it. I used to run away when it happened but now i can ride it out, even though its excrutiating and my face is glowing like a beacon. Horrible. I would be really grateful if you could explain whats happening and how i might get some help with it. Thanks.

You might be describing obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD is an anxiety disorder in which people experience unwanted thoughts that they cannot control. These are called intrusive thoughts and they can be very bothersome. People with intrusive thoughts describe experiencing some of the things that you write about in your letter. I cannot provide a diagnosis over the internet which is why it’s advisable for you to consult a mental health professional in-person. They will know what might be wrong and how to fix it.

The good news is that anxiety disorders and related conditions are highly treatable. There are evidence-based treatments for anxiety disorders. Some of those treatments involve medication and specific types of therapy. If possible, consult a specialist. That will provide you with the best chance of reducing your symptoms and resuming a life without anxiety.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing such distress but with treatment that can change. I hope that my advice has helped at least in some small way. Thank you for your question. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
General

I Talk & Act Out Scenarios with Myself

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So to begin, I have been having this issue for about 8 years now.

I have noticed that I actively engage in A-B conversations with myself both in my head and outloud. I usually do it without even realizing and when I do, I stop myself. It’s usually either about myself or someone close to me. Or just something out of the blue.

I also notice that I act out these fantasy scenarios. I can’t explain it too well. It’s like I imagine myself and others with me and act out all of them usually in a fun or weird scenario that wouldn’t normally happen in my life; like having super powers for example.

I usually do these things when I’m alone. Like at home alone or driving alone. I never do it when others are around since I’m very shy.

I can’t help but find this odd but at the same time, find a sense of ease and happiness out of it. That’s why I’ve done it or so long now.

I honestly don’t really know if I should stop. I’m not sure if it’s me overreacting or if it’s something more mental deep down.

If you can, can you explain what I might be going through? Thank you.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking to yourself out loud. You do it in private. It brings you a sense of ease and happiness. It’s not harmful and, in fact, it seems beneficial.

Some research suggests that talking out loud may be a sign of intelligence. You might consider it an extension of the inner self talk that we all engage in. It may help to clarify one’s thinking, organize one’s thoughts or control our behavior.

Research has also shown that it’s common for sports professionals to talk out loud during competitions. Some believe that it sharpens their mindset and leads to a more competent performance.

Talking out loud may be a form of psychological distancing. The distancing might serve as a more objective perspective rather than a subjective or potentially biased one.

Some people simply find it preferable to talk to themselves out loud in certain circumstances. It could help you to stay grounded and focused on the task at hand. For reasons not entirely understood, it is common for people to do it in grocery stores when trying to remember what items they need to purchase.

Research supports the idea that it’s a positive form of self-focus and motivation. For you personally, it has been helpful and there are no obvious drawbacks. I don’t see any reason why you should stop but that decision is ultimately up to you. I hope this helps. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
AnxietyPhobiaTherapy

Fears at Nighttime

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been suffering from some issues since I was little. I have always been scared when it’s dark. I hear noises in the house and outside, but I don’t see what’s making the noises. It makes me feel afraid to go to sleep and I usually end up being awake until the sun rises. If I do fall asleep, I almost always get awakened by nightmares. These nightmares often involve someone breaking in, violence, someone haunting me (usually children who went missing/were killed or something that was on TV), abandonment, or being trapped.

I also won’t go out at night, even on my own property unless someone is with me and the place is well lit and there are no bushes or trees nearby.

I’ve seen shrinks before, but they didn’t help and my family just tells me to get over it/suck it up and that I’m too old to be afraid of this kind of stuff.

Am I being paranoid?

Paranoid is a psychological term often associated with psychotic illnesses. It does not seem applicable in your case. You have unreasonable fears that have been reinforced over the years. It seems more like a phobia than paranoia.

Your refusing to go out at night reinforces the idea that the dark should be feared. Also adding to the problem is the fact that you won’t go outside when you hear a noise that should be investigated. Believing in those ideas and engaging in those behaviors strengthens your phobia.

In a way, your family is correct. If you did confront your fear, it would be eliminated but the “cold turkey” approach can be distressing. I would advise against it, unless it was part of a treatment approach facilitated by a therapist or you felt confident about facing your fears.

The amount of fear one should have about any situation should match the probability of an event occurring. For instance, one aviation expert recently noted that the probability of dying in a plane crash was as likely as being struck by lightning seven times, yet despite these odds many people continue to have a fear of flying. Based on the aforementioned probability, one should have very little fear of flying.

You did not mention exactly why you are afraid of the dark. From what you have written, your fear seems irrational. Because this is a long running problem, you should consider specialized treatment if it continues to hinder your life. Choose a therapist who specializes in phobias. Well trained therapists, using the right approach, can cure phobias fairly quickly. With treatment, you can eliminate this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
PsychosisSchizophreniaTeen IssuesTherapy

Is this Schizophrenia?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I know you get questions about Schizophrenia a lot, and I apologize for taking your time, but I couldn’t find any answered questions similar to my situation. I believe I may be suffering from Schizophrenia, but I’m not sure. I was wondering if you could tell me if my situations sounds like Schizophrenia at all. I’m seeing a therapist soon because my mother thinks I have anxiety and depression (and I agree) but I think I may have something more.

Here’s my situation: I talk to two people inside my head. Sometimes I hear vague, hard to make out whispers aloud, especially at night, but they speak very clearly inside my head at all times. They tell me all kinds of things that seem crazy saying aloud. They say that they are angels, and that I’m one too. They tell me to kill myself so that I can “come home” and see them again. I should mention, I have never been a religious person. My brother actually taught me to be an atheist, and I believed in nothing of angels or an afterlife until these voices started. One of them sometimes encourages me, ensures me that everything will be okay, and helps me get through the day. The other more often tells me negative things, like that I’m worthless and stupid. Both of them tell me to kill myself and harm myself. I obey them all the time, I actually stop whatever I’m doing and cut myself almost whenever they tell me to. Sometimes, the one tells me to hurt other people, but I never act upon these commands. I could never hurt anyone. But I fear that I might start listening to them when they tell me to hurt people. I’ve begun to have dreams almost every night of killing my friends, family, and self. I have also in recent months started to develop strange habits at their instruction. It’s just little things, like choosing a certain dish out of the cabinet instead of a dozen identical ones, making sure the objects on my nightstand are in the exact same place every night, etc. These habits don’t harm anyone, but they’re strange, and I feel extremely uneasy and scared when I don’t follow one of these routines.
Does this sound like Schizophrenia? Should I bring this up to my therapist? Thank you so much for your time.

Never hesitate to write with your questions. We are here to help. I’m glad you wrote.

Your symptoms are unusual and concerning, but at 14 schizophrenia is unlikely. It’s rare for individuals under 17 to develop schizophrenia. It does happen but all other explanations need to be exhausted before schizophrenia or any other mental illness should be considered.

What’s most important is that you speak to your therapist about your symptoms. Your therapist only knows what you reveal to him or her. Without your honesty and willingness to be forthcoming about all of your symptoms, he or she might focus on treating lesser symptoms. That might not be enough to help.

For now, don’t jump to conclusions about a diagnosis. It’s good that you are asking for help but your next step should be discussing your symptoms with your therapist. He or she is in the best position to determine what’s wrong and perhaps more importantly, how to treat what’s wrong. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
AbuseAnxietyFamilyParenting & ChildrenPTSDTeen IssuesTrauma

Loss and Abuse

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, my name is Michaela, I’m 16 years. I just wanted to say thank you in advance for reading this I know you get a lot of these so thank you very much.
I’ve been self harming since I was 11.I self harm everyday and I know its not good but it something I do to make life seem like I have some control I struggled with an Eating disorder (bulimia) I did recover on my own. but its been coming back. I just lost my mom 2 months ago and two days later I lost my best friend to suicide. My mom was really sick and my stepdad hated me. He would burn me and he would beat me physically and verbal and physically abuse me. The thing is my mom really loved him but who was I to get in the way of that. My mom had been sick all her life but the last 6 years was the worst. She wasn’t able to do a lot. I take care of my sister who now lives with my aunt she was only able to take her but I was like the mom. but I still managed to get all A’s. but while my mom was in the other room sick my step dad would come into my room. first it started off with him starring then to molesting then eventually rape. I’m really afraid I’m pregnant. My grandparents whom I live with now are always working they are high people in there jobs so they are always traveling. They are currently away. Sometimes I want to give up but I know I have to be here. I’ve always been bullied I get called mutt a lot because of my ethnicity (Native American(Cherokee), African American, Dominican, Italian and 1/4 Russian) sorry it really long but I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like a lost soul slowly fading away from this world
– Michaela

Dear Michaela, you have been through a great deal. I’m sorry that you’ve had such a very tough life. However, I would consider you a great picture of resiliency. You’ve survived an eating disorder, injury, abuse, losing your mother, bullying, and you are now potentially pregnant. Despite all of that, you have endured and continue to manage a difficult set of life circumstances.

What your stepfather has done to you is wrong and illegal. The rape and molestation should be reported to the police. You should report him to the authorities. Another option is to call child protective services. If you alert the authorities, in all likelihood he will be arrested.

He deserves to be arrested.

There is never an excuse for raping your stepdaughter.

Anyone violating the innocence of a child should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

I would also urge you to tell your grandparents. They need to know what your stepfather has been doing to you.

You should also report the abuse to a school guidance counselor who will take immediate action. You should also ask the school guidance counselor to assist you in accessing mental health treatment. The more support that you have at this time, the better. You need all the support you can get.

Reporting your stepfather to the authorities might not be easy but it’s the right thing to do. You will have to do it sooner or later, especially if you are pregnant. Your family is going to inquire about the father. If you need additional advice, please don’t hesitate to write again. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
Medical issuesSleep

I’m Scared of Myself & Others: Should I Check Into A Mental Hospital?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I rarely sleep for anything more than 3 hours every few days and when I finally do, I don’t even feel like I’m sleeping. I feel like I’m just laying there wide awake, watching the minutes tick by til I wake. I’ve been trying to get more sleep out nothing eotks. At times I will twitch violently and spasm. If left alone for too long I begin hearing a voice, muffled but still clear to tell me things. It says I’m pointless and other grand horrors. When I went so far as to not sleep for a week I passed out for a solid 10 minutes and woke up screaming and jumping away. I though a felt someone cutting my rub cave open and removing my heart with their frigid hands. I’ve been impartial to the visual aspect of this, but I see blood and bodies in flashes… I once opened the door and saw human heads bleeding and laying on my floor screaming in agony. I have had countless times where I fell to my knees in fright because on the sidewalk was a group of children’s bodies stacked and covered in blood.. I haven’t slept fully in almost 7 years now. I’ve had points where I though I was being chased up the stairs and I threw a book shelf down them. I keep seeing death when I blink and I don’t know how much longer I can take… Should I check into a mental hospital?

Yes, you should go to the hospital, but I am not certain that it needs to be a psychiatric hospital. You may be experiencing a medical problem and need to be evaluated as soon as possible.

Lack of sleep can become serious. Brain functioning decreases. Without the proper sleep, it’s difficult to concentrate and make rational decisions. Lack of sleep can also disrupt your immune system and is associated with other physical health problems.

It’s possible that your symptoms are entirely the result of a severe lack of sleep. It’s also possible that you have an undiagnosed sleep disorder or an underlying medical problem.

The only way to know with certainty what is wrong and what treatment would be the most appropriate, is to seek medical care. Don’t wait any longer. Seek medical attention immediately. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
GeneralRelationships

My parents are not getting along-What can I do to help?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My parents have been married for around 18 years and about one year ago they haven’t seen eye to eye. My dad is a type of teacher who teaches people about having positive attitudes, etc. He’s started trying to make everything opptimistic in his life, but there’s some conflict with my mother. She’s often pessimistic and only thinks about how thing’s effect her. She always blames people for things that go wrong, even if it’s out of thier control. Plus, she rarely blames herself. My mom is very resistant to change and doesn’t like to do anything new. Though, she sometimes does different things. She’s very possesive of her things and doesn’t like to share. My mom always has to be in control and know everything, even though she doesn’t tell us everything. She takes after her father who has a simualar personality. Anyways, my parents haven’t been getting along and I’m worried that things will end badly. My mom has said she will try to change, but I haven’t seen any improvement. What should they do or what can I do?

I am sorry your parents are not getting along. It must be hard for you to have to watch them go through their difficulties. It’s possible your parents will work out their differences. They could attend counseling sessions if they felt it was the right course of action for them. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to help the situation. I know it’s hard not to get involved but its better if you can stay out of it, if that is possible. It’s a problem between two adults that needs to be resolved between two adults. You can try to be supportive to both of them. Hopefully things will work out. Your main job should be to encourage them, at all opportunities, to get counseling. You have identified your mother as having a control problem. A counselor would also quickly identify that if it were the case. If nothing more, your mother should seek qualified counseling to help her with the issues behind her need for control. I do wish you the best of luck.

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
AnxietyDepression

I Have the Strong Urge to Kill People

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Apologies to people who have answered this question before, but I found the answers insufficient. Giving the consequences of playing out the urge does not make the feeling disappear. I am seeking an explanation or, hopefully, a solution.

I am extremely neurotic. I do express empathy and I immensely seek acceptance from others.

The urge to kill is such an overwhelming and powerful emotion that someone who has experienced it cannot go without lingering on it. I have experienced this feeling since I was 10; I’ve always drawn morbid images and enjoyed the soft, pleasant, sickly throb in my stomach that often accompanies the feeling. I am now 17 and am beginning to find it an issue. I am extremely scared of myself – not because I don’t understand it, but because of regret. I know I would regret hurting someone I know after being withdrawn from this state of mind. I am usually able to appease (or provoke) the urge through drawing or viewing morbid images, such as gore, or playing through fantasies in my head (I believe I have a very vivid imagination). I often provoke the feeling when I’m feeling depressed or anxious, as it completely overrides it. I have a bad relationship with my parents and would like to avoid talking to them about it. Three of my good friends are aware.

Background: I have been feeling much more depressed and anxious as of lately. I dropped out of my high school last year to continue the work at home, as I was constantly self-conscious about myself in general and I couldn’t take the anxiety that came with that. While I was in school, my grades fell fast due to this anxiety; dropping from the top 5 best grades in the year (first in chemistry, English, Chinese and biology) to some of the lowest by Year 10. My confidence disappeared. I already had a low self-worth and self-esteem, now accompanied by a very low motivation in work and life. My anxiety has almost disappeared and depression has settled in a lot more now that I do work at home, but I believe I can manage it well enough. Thank you.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that your urge to kill co-occurs with depression and anxiety. It could be the reason why the urge exists. Eliminate your mental health symptoms and your urges may also be eliminated.

You could also be using it to suppress the unpleasant feelings that accompany depression and anxiety. You “often provoke the feeling… when depressed or anxious, as it completely overrides it.” The urge might serve as a psychological Band-Aid in the same way that some people use cutting to feel something other than intense, unpleasant emotions. People who engage in cutting will often say that it offsets or redirects their psychological stress. It is not an advisable or effective coping mechanism because it side-steps the underlying problem but people use it nonetheless.

Think about why people use drugs and alcohol. It suppressed unpleasant emotions. It is a form of avoidance. It is temporary and ineffective because once the high wears off, the emotions and problems of life return. Still, people use it. Perhaps your urges serve a similar function.

Dropping out of school, to study at home, may have been a mistake. You did it to avoid triggering your psychological issues but avoidance is not a cure. School provides the opportunity and the necessity for social interaction. Social interaction is necessary as long as there are other people living on this planet. Social interaction should not trigger unpleasant feelings of any kind, certainly not anxiety or depression.

When mental health problems arise, it is not the norm for people to seek professional help. There are many reasons why and many books have been written on the subject but it essentially boils down to people not wanting ask for help because it makes them feel week. Self-reliance and rugged independence are seen as virtues. People do not like to feel weak and thus many will not seek help. Unfortunately, that results in their suffering with curable problems.

My recommendation is to seek counseling. Once you begin treatment, you will see the world differently. You will realize that depression and anxiety don’t have to rule your life. Don’t just manage your symptoms, eliminate them. With counseling you will learn to effectively handle problems and stressful times without defaulting to avoidance as a coping mechanism. Avoidance doesn’t improve mental health. It only acts to strengthen psychological problems.

I hope you will consider my advice. Ask your parents to assist you in finding a local therapist. Choose a therapist who specializes in depression and anxiety and with whom you feel comfortable. Working with someone you like increases the likelihood of a positive outcome. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
DepressionFamilyGrief & LossSuicideTeen IssuesTherapy

I Don’t Really Feel Anymore

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been trying to get my life back on track and I’m failing. I want to feel happy and be who I used to be. My best friend of over two years is moving away in a few months and I probably won’t ever see her again.

I feel like I’m losing myself. I constantly belittle myself and degrade myself even after people give me compliments. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I’ve battled depression for about five years. I used to be very close to my father but after he remarried, I feel like our relationship has been dwindling. Whenever I’m over at his house he never really pays attention to me so I set myself aside from everyone. Even when I’m at my mom’s house.

I want to feel like I belong. I want to be confident and not hate myself. I also have cystic acne and that’s part of the reason why I have such a problem with myself. I don’t know how to regain feeling. I’ve been numb before and this is somewhat worse.

My brother was joking around saying he was going to die and my first thought was “Oh well”. I love people but I don’t at the same time. I hate being social but I yearn for someone to notice when I’m gone or for them to want me. I just need to know what’s wrong with me…

I think that you might already know what’s wrong. As you wrote, you have been depressed for about five years. In addition, your best friend is moving away. It’s difficult to lose close friends. It makes sense that you are feeling more sad than usual.

Here are some actionable ideas to help resolve this problem. First, speak to your father about your “dwindling” relationship. If he knew how he felt, he might change his behavior. You should also tell him about your depression and how you are upset about losing your best friend. Make him aware of these problems. He may be able to help.

Second, you should also tell your mother about what’s wrong. Ask that she take you to counseling. She could help you find a mental health professional who specializes in treating depression in teenagers. Counseling is one of the best treatments for depression.

Third, consult a doctor about your cystic acne. If possible, choose a dermatologist who specializes in treating this condition. You might find a good dermatologist through Internet research. Ask your parents to help you find a good doctor. If the first one doesn’t help, the second one might. If the second one doesn’t help you, the third one might. Just keep trying. Not all dermatologists are equally good.

Lastly, you could relieve your daily stress by journaling. Writing about strong emotions can provide intense relief. It could help you process difficult emotions and clarify your thinking. I hope these ideas help, if only in some small way. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
AnxietyDepressionIllegal drugs/alcohol abusePTSDTrauma

Own Life Falling Apart while Coping with Partner with PTSD Anxiety & Depression

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Dear Doctor: I hope that you can help. I guess my question is how to help me cope with this situation. My partner (f) was diagnosed with PTSD last year following childhood abuse & traumas. In connection with this she does struggle to live her life, but she is getting help, both therapy cognitive and medication including anti psychs, pills for depression and anxiety.

Now I support best I can but life has been incredibly hard for us both. One thing that does not get addressed is myself and my life. I feel like I have been rolled flat by a steam roller. I feel anxious; I feel that home life is always out of control (I do all work at home as well as keeping her many projects running)

Things are so bad that I try develop coping mechanisms; I have been drinking quite regular and often feel the need. I never have a minute to myself and I have started disappearing for a coffee secretly, or not going to work. In fact my work has suffered greatly, I just go there and sit in my office and pretend to work, it’s like that’s my time, my quiet time. I basically don’t do any of the things I used to enjoy at all, I do not feel that I am me.

I am worried about things because if I break, our whole life will come crashing down on us. I just feel so anxious over time. I can’t concentrate and really things are suffering as a result. I would be most grateful of a helpful word.

Getting help should have made the situation better, not worse. Understandably, you’re stressed because of your partners’ problems.

You need to protect your own mental health. Your own mental health needs to be a priority.

Drinking and disappearing are avoidance tactics. You can run from your problems but only for so long. They will catch up with you. It’s better to treat them now rather than later, when they are worse and more complicated.

You should consult a mental health professional. Therapy could be tremendously helpful for you. It can provide guidance for your relationship and teach you how to appropriately deal with your problems. It is the best solution.

Drinking and disappearing might temporarily anesthetize your pain, but ultimately they will lead to more problems. Take control by seeking help. You don’t have to do it alone. Let trained professionals assist you. That’s their job.

If you continue to avoid these problems, your life will almost certainly suffer and that’s precisely what you are trying to avoid. You are trying to help your partner but you need to find a professional who can help you to help your partner. Obviously, you are suffering and suffering greatly. There is a limit to what you are physically and mentally able to do. You cannot exceed those limits, except in short bursts. A professional can help you to learn your limits. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
PsychosisTherapy

I Believe My Girlfriend Is Suffering from Severe Grandiose Delusions

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 7 years. I’m totally in love with her and I followed her to NY when she landed her dream job a couple of years ago. Recently, she was fired for reasons here undisclosed. Obviously this was a gigantic blow for both of us. Since then, she’s developed a series of behaviors that have led to me wanting to seek help here. In a nutshell, she has always been a sensitive and highly empathic person and she claims that she’s been given a new calling from a higher being. She spends her nights now looking across the street at one of our neighbors, like in a movie, and with a video game controller, she follows what he’s doing. She says that she is watching over him and that she will make his life better like this since he seems lonely to her. On top of this, she’s fasting; only eating fruits and nuts during a certain portion of the day. All of it seems super calculated and ritualized in great detail. I come from an extremely religious family so I’ve seen similar but never ever like this. And this doesn’t correspond to any popular religion. I’ll say that she has never exhibited behavior like this in all the time we’ve been together. I’m obviously extremely worried about her and on a selfish note, I miss her a lot because she doesn’t seem to need or want me anymore. The other thing is that she seems totally lucid when I speak with her, but what she does seems not right of course. She has not yet lost her temper with me or lashed out at me though even when I try to get her to stop. And another thing is that she’s extremely proud and distrustful of doctors so I’m afraid that if I try to get her to see one, she’ll break up with me. I’m wondering if I could get advice on what to do? Is it okay to start a correspondence with a doctor behind her back and try things out to see if she gets better? For example, since I’m a cook and she used to love my cooking, I’m going try to at least get her to eat by making some of her favorites. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I wish that you would have shared why she was fired. It would have helped me to have a more complete understanding of what might be wrong.

You are right to be concerned. Especially odd, is her watching your neighbor and believing that she has any control over him. She may be exhibiting magical thinking, grandiosity and paranoia, symptoms commonly associated with psychosis.

Out of context and without intimate knowledge of your girlfriend’s personality, personal life, etc., diagnosis is impossible. Please keep that in mind.

Try to think back over the past couple months. Is there anything that could have triggered this event? She was fired but what about before that? Did she experience a trauma? A move? Health problems? A death in the family? Did she give birth? Has she been using drugs? Those types of experiences can sometimes trigger psychotic episodes.

Her distrust of doctors is concerning. It may mean that she is unwilling to undergo an evaluation, still that is precisely what is needed. Paranoia may also be why she’s refusing to eat the food you cook.

If psychosis is present, time is of the essence. Psychotic episodes are treatable but not if a person is unwilling to participate in treatment.

Tied into these issues seems to be your fear of her breaking up with you. Don’t worry about that now. This is not personal. She’s not doing these things to you. It’s important that you separate the person from the illness (assuming an illness is present). Her behavior is likely beyond her control and requires professional intervention. Love can’t cure mental illness; only treatment can, and that treatment must involve mental health professionals.

If you fear for her safety or yours, don’t hesitate to call emergency services. When people are in the throes of a psychotic episode, they often don’t realize that they are ill. They sometimes inadvertently put themselves or others at risk of being hurt.

You asked whether you should contact a doctor “behind her back?” I would not characterize your contacting a doctor as being “behind her back.” If she is ill and refusing help, then you have no other choice. It is the responsible course of action. Contact the professionals as soon as possible. They will know what to do. Please write again if you have additional questions. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
BorderlineFamilyGeneralPsychologyRelationshipsSelf-esteemTeen IssuesTherapy

Why Do I Engage in Attention-Seeking Behavior?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello. So here’s the thing: I noticed I’m an attention seeker a long time ago and I cannot understand why. My childhood has not been perfect, but it has been pretty good. My parent and my friends love me. I certainly can’t complain.

I think even as I kid I’ve always wanted to be noticed but positively. As I grew older I started to want sympathy, perhaps even more than praise. I would often misrepresent situation in order to get sympathy for it. I would play the victim etc. I hurt myself ( superficially ) to get sympathy and I still feel very embarrassed about this although it was a couple of years ago. I’ve realized how it affects people’s view of me (I don’t want to be seen as a helpless and weak person) and I try to be less attention-seeking. But in my mind I don’t really think anythings is changed. I still very often think of scenarios that would end up in me getting sympathy and I still tend to play the victim (subtly enough that no one would notice). I don’t want to be like that, but I just can’t help it. Do you think there is anything I could do to stop being like that?

Sidenote: I would be willing to go to therapy although I don’t like talking about this, but if there is something along the lines of ‘self-help’ I’d prefer it.

Thank you very much for sparing your time to read this. Have a great day!

Your desire for attention and your creating situations in which you will gain attention may fall under the broad category of fictitious disorders. These disorders involve individuals pretending as though he or she has a physical or mental illness. As you can probably attest to, this causes distress in one’s life. If those around you were to learn about your feigning illnesses, they would no longer trust you and some would cut ties with you altogether.

These types of disorders often stem from underlying emotional problems. Individuals with fictitious disorders wish to stop, but they often find that they can’t. It is almost like an addiction. Professional help is often required.

There is nothing wrong with self-help if it works, but as you stated “I just can’t help it.” Your own self-help efforts have led to a reduction in intensity, but it remains an unresolved problem. This would suggest professional help is necessary.

The fear of shame or embarrassment can hinder individuals from beginning therapy just as the fear of the boogey man can stop people from opening their closet door. But there is no boogey man in the closet just as there is no shame or embarrassment in therapy.

The fear of therapy stems from the false belief that you are supposed to know how to fix your own problems and that there is something wrong with you if you need therapy. Unfortunately, those sorts of stubborn and false ideas prevent many people with resolvable mental health problems from seeking help.

There’s no reason to fear therapy. I hope you will consider it. It would help you to feel better. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
Abuse

I Think My Dad Is Abusive

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I can’t tell. My dad yells and hits my younger brother and when I was younger he would smack me on the head. It makes my little brother cry all the time and we’re all afraid of him. I don’t think my mom feels safe either. Whenever something that might upset him happens, she makes us swear to hide it from him. What’s going on?

Each state has their own official definition of abuse. They vary in depth and scope. Texas provides definitions for physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and various types of neglect.

Their definition of physical abuse includes the following: “deliberate actions resulting in injuries to a child or genuine threats of such actions, or concerns about physical injuries of an unexplained or suspicious nature.”

The definition of emotional abuse may also be relevant to your situation. Emotional abuse is defined as “an emotional or mental injury caused by the parent or caregiver that results in an observable effect on the child.”

Given these definitions, it would seem that your father may qualify as abusive. It’s not appropriate to treat children in the manner that you have described. The fact that your mother makes you hide from him would suggest that she is frightened of him also. It may also indicate that she feels powerless to intervene, perhaps fearing that it would exacerbate the situation.

Parents often say they hit their children to correct their behavior. Children who are physically punished have a higher risk for mental health problems including anxiety and depression. Children who are regularly hit by their parents also tend to be aggressive, both as children and as adults. There are more appropriate ways to correct unwanted behavior that don’t involve physical harm.

There are action steps you can take in this situation. I would recommend reporting this to the school guidance counselor or another trusted faculty member. Individuals who work in a professional capacity with children are typically mandated by law to report abusive situations. These reports are anonymous.

You can also make trusted family members aware of your concerns. They may be able to intervene.

Another idea is calling the authorities yourself. This could include calling the police or the Department of Family and Protective Services. Their phone number is 1-800-252-5400. You can also Google the words “online Texas abuse hotline for abuse” to make a report and to read more about abuse.

Often children are reluctant to report their parents who may be abusive. Understandably, they don’t want to get their parents into trouble. The primary goal of child protective services is to protect children at any cost. They want to ensure that all children are safe. That is a right that every child deserves. They are not looking to remove children from homes or break up families. Typically, their goal is to help parents be better parents. Many of their programs are supportive in nature and designed to increase the resources of struggling families for the sole purpose of ensuring safety in the home.

I’m sorry that you are having to deal with the situation. It’s difficult to function well when you don’t feel safe and are fearful of your parents. It’s important that you not keep this a secret and speak to an adult about what’s happening in your home. They can help you. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
GeneralSexTherapy

I think I have a fetish

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My question is of a sexual nature, and I’m a little embarrassed about it. It’s something I keep to myself, but now I’m wondering – do I have a fetish or am I just a S&M freak or something like that? Ok, here’s the thing. The last couple of fights my boyfriend and I had he said he was going to punish me, and teach me a lesson.

It sounds ridiculous, and at first I thought he was joking, but then he actually made me take down my pants and underwear, bent me over, and spanked me.

The first 2 times I was shocked and a little angry, as I felt humiliated and my red behind hurt like heck. Then, later on, as I was thinking about what had happened, I started getting turned on by it and realized that in a way I had actually liked it. (I would never admit this to anybody.)

It doesn’t end there, however. He gave me warnings that if I acted up again, I would receive another spanking, and it would be worse. Feeling a little turned on by it, I “acted up” again to see what he would do. This time, saying he had warned me, (and with a big smile on his face), he again ordered me to strip from the waste down. When I playfully resisted, he shoved me down on the sofa and removed my clothing himself. He then turned me around and bent me over like before, but then there was a pause as I heard him unbuckle his belt followed by the loud snap as he pulled it off. I couldn’t believe it, I was terrified! Too scared to move or protest, I obeyed when he ordered me to stay completely still.

Needless to say, I got a hard spanking with a leather belt, and on my bare behind. When he finished he said he would not hesitate to do it again, so I had better behave myself. I went into the bathroom and shut the door, and as I checked out my bright red and slightly bruised backside, despite the pain the whipping had caused me, I felt an undeniable surge of excitement. I was so totally turned on. This has happened several times now, and when I’m “bad”, he takes on the role of a strict father figure, and threatens me with corporal punishment .

What is this? Role-playing, S&M, a fetish, all 3? And is there something horribly wrong with me for enjoying it? I feel sick and perverted every time I think about it, like it’s wrong, even though I allow him to do it because I enjoy it. It’s horribly embarassing to admit it to anyone, and I feel like what is going on here is just wrong, but I like it, and have been “punished” quite a few times. Please tell me what is going on psychologically in my head to be into this kind of thing, because I feel so dirty.

There are many theories about why people are aroused to S/M or Dominance/Submission. Which is the correct one? Are any of them correct? The one thing that we can be very sure of is that historically, sexual arousal to these things goes back as far as written history.

Is it a problem for you? Is it hurting you psychologically? You are now feeling some guilt associated with your sexual arousal and that could well be a signal that indeed it is hurting you. A therapist could better evaluate this for you, after a thorough interview with you.

The thing that concerns me is that these activities seem to spill over into your non-sexual life with your boyfriend. If it were simply a “game” that you played in the bedroom for sexual stimulation then you would be able to read about and study the lives of millions of people world wide who share your interests in D/S. Perhaps it is a harmless activity that you and your boyfriend engage in for sexual stimulation that only appears to involve normal times. I can’t answer that question through email communication.

Millions of people do associate sex with guilt but that does not make it normal or healthy. Not all guilt is a sign that psychological damage is right around the next turn. The guilt can’t be ignored. Please find a therapist with which you can discuss this issue. I hope I’ve helped.

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
AbuseFamilyRelationshipsSchoolSelf-esteemSexSuicideTeen IssuesTherapy

I Lied about Sexual Abuse When I Was Young & I Can’t Forgive Myself

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I lied about being sexually abused, I made up a fake story of a random person sexually abusing me when I was 12. In turn, my father has went crazy since I told my parents the lie three years ago. He has quit jobs and has completely shut down. I take so much blame for all of this. I started doing drugs and I became depressed and dropped out of high school before I told them the lie. My friends were told the lie first. It ate at me. Fortunately I have stopped abusing drugs, and I am in college but with my father going crazy I haven’t been doing to great in school. My self esteem is so low and I have developed horrible habits, it started getting the worst when I got into a romantic relationship. Being with a person for almost two years has seriously made me evaluate myself. And this image that I feel I potray. I feel like I am a terrible person. I admitted to the lie and everyone still accepts me but I dont accept it at all. I also obsess over horoscopes which deep down I know its a load of crap. I literately use a magic 8 ball online to answer questions about the future. If I will be able to be okay, if i am accepted, if my partner actually loves me. Its the worst when my partner and I are fighting. I have spent quite a bit of money on psychics and on readings online. I started to heavily believe in superstition which I know deep down isn’t real either. I have been to a therapist before but I wouldn’t let them actually know anything about the lie or the past. At that time I was still carrying out the lie. Before in the midst of all that I didnt have an obsession with horoscopes or magic 8 balls, I thought I knew what I was doing even though I was drinking and taking drugs around 15-17 Also my romantic relationship has taken all of my attention, I cant stay away and do everything I can to make it work. Everyone still seems to care about me but I really really really dont feel like I seriously deserve to be cared about. Honsetly the only thing that has kept me going is the romantic relationship. Help?

If everyone has forgiven you, then you must forgive yourself. Children are not held responsible for their actions because they are underdeveloped, immature and lack a sense of responsibility. That incident happened when you were 12 years old. You were only a child.

I’m curious about whether or not your parents sought psychological help for you after the incident. If not, they should have. Whatever motivated you to lie about sexual abuse should have been explored in counseling. Perhaps that’s why you continue to struggle, because you have yet to address this in counseling. The fact that you tried counseling but did not reveal key information to your therapist would also suggest that this problem has yet to be effectively addressed.

My recommendation is counseling. It’s imperative that you are as forthcoming as possible with your therapist. The more information you provide to your therapist, the more he or she can help. Counseling will not be effective if you hide the truth.

Another option to consider is family therapy. Your father continues to struggle with what happened so perhaps family therapy would help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
Anger ManagementRelationshipsTherapy

Angry at Least Once a Day

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hey, I’m only 23 years old and I feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis. I don’t take any meds or hormones, don’t drink coffee, don’t eat sugar, get plenty of sleep (10 hours average), am not over worked, live a very low-stress life style, eat organic, go hiking at least few times a month and smaller walks more frequently, and have a very patient boyfriend of 3 years. The thing is I have very little sexual drive, except when I’m on my period, have no inspiration or creativity(I used to be very artistic), and almost every day, no matter what part of my cycle I’m in, I have at least one angry melt down where something went wrong(like trying to flip an egg and it doesn’t flip right and the yolk breaks) and sometimes it happens multiple times a day. I actually avoid cooking eggs now because I suck at flipping them. These melt-downs rarely end in tears though. I just get really really mad and I feel my temperature rise. I kind of wish I could cry more actually, and I’m wondering if hard drug use in my teenage years has affected me, and is still affecting me 5 years later. I still have happy moments through-out the day. My days are just very up and down. I feel like I have no passion left except for anger and random ideas that I’ll never actually get around to or finish. I do notice the day before my period I have an ultra-meltdown that keeps getting worse. This last time I beat up my bed and tore everything out of my closet, scattering around the room. You know, I think I actually felt better when I was smoking and drinking coffee because now I’m completely sober, I’m fully aware of what’s going on in the world and I’m mad at the whole world. I feel the pain of the whole world and the Earth and I’d rather just hide in a cave with a bunch of pillows and blankets.

Anyway, I’m just wondering what the hell is going on. I feel like I’m doing everything “right” and I still am very angry and freak out on a daily basis. I sometimes feel like I don’t know who I am as a woman, that I am not “womanly” probably because of what I see in the media(I don’t have TV and only recently got internet for the first time in 5 years). I don’t wear any make-up, no jewelry and I don’t shave. I do wear semi-feminine clothing though. Also I don’t have many friends because I live 8 miles off a crappy dirt road. Please help because I’m scaring my dog and my boyfriend.

Regarding your anger, you may be impatient. At its fundamental core, impatience is the inability to perceive reality clearly.

What’s most important is managing the emotional reaction that accompanies impatience. It’s irrational to be angry about something you can’t change. When you fully understand that fact, you will have healthier emotional reactions or no emotional reaction at all.

For instance, sitting in traffic is a time when many people experience impatience. Traffic is always irritating but especially so when you have to be somewhere at a certain time. No matter how angry you become, how long you sit there will not change. You will still have to sit in traffic for as long as it takes, not one second less.

Anger about a traffic jam is irrational and only serves to increase your stress level. A much healthier reaction would be tuning into your favorite radio station or news talk show or book on tape and enjoying the mandatory, inescapable delay.

No one’s happy to be stuck in traffic but it is one of the many things you have no power to change; don’t worry about the things you cannot change.

You might find the serenity prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous quite instructional: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Regarding creativity and inspiration, your expectations might be unrealistic. Don’t wait for inspiration to do something you want to do. Just do it. In doing something creative, that, in and of itself, can be inspirational.

Your main issues seem to involve emotional instability and unrealistic expectations. These are correctable with counseling. A therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) would probably be most appropriate. The heart of CBT is examining the connection between thoughts, feelings and dysfunctional behaviors. It could help you a great deal. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
DepressionTherapy

Difference Between Being Depressed and Having Depression?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Dear Therapist, I have been receiving psychodynamic counseling for the last 4 of my 41 years of life. I have found it a painful process but very helpful. I have also been taking citalopram for this period and still am. It takes a lot for me to share my feelings and experiences and that is why I have found therapy so uncomfortable.

Even though my confidence, development of my “self” and difficulty dealing with conflict have improved enormously I found myself struggling a little with a difficult situation at work.

Over the period of time October 2007 to February 2008 I became irritable (very out of character); my insomnia worsened considerably, I virtually stopped reading, walking etc (and still have) and found it extremely difficult to get myself to do anything. I am an extremely determined person and do not tolerate weakness in myself so was still able to function in my job and to a lesser extent in my private life.

From February till June the situation worsted considerably.

I found it nearly impossible to accomplish anything unless in a very structured environment. Even brushing my teeth seemed like a mammoth task. I was only managing to get to sleep at about 4 every morning. On the weekends I only managed to drag myself out of bed at about 3 in the afternoon – I wished I could just remain asleep. I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat – even at totally inappropriate times, at work. I had some experiences where I felt uncoordinated and as if I was looking at everything through a tunnel.

I started having suicidal thoughts (brief and no planning) and had one incident (the first ever) where I made a half hearted attempt to cut myself – I believe I would have inflicted more than a few scratches if I had had a blade.

I plucked up the courage and told my therapist of both the thoughts and the cutting incident. She asked if I had made suicide plans but other than that made no real comment.

As soon as I was out of the negative environment (end of June) the darkness started lifting quite quickly. I told my therapist that, in retrospect, I believed that I had been mildly depressed. She said that she thought that was a very strong claim, that depression is a serious mental illness and that feeling depressed is different to being depressed. I left it at that but it did not leave my mind. I was a little frustrated as was intending to check how my conversation about suicidal thoughts had been understood and instead had a discussion on depression terminology.

A few weeks later I did some research on line, looked up the difference between being and feeling depressed and did 5 different on line self tests (answering the questions as I had felt not how I was feeling at the time of doing the test). All came out that I may have been moderately to severely depressed.

I was not totally hopeless at the time as I had made plans to leave and thought that the situation would end. I was desperately trying to survive until I could leave. I did not loose all of my confidence. I have, however, been severely depressed more than once prior to this and believe that I am now able to recognise the feeling. It is not relevant but I probably should mention I suffered with bulimia for 25years but have now recovered. I have come to believe that my therapist never understood my history regarding the depression.

I printed off 2 of the tests and excerpts of the information I found and took them in and showed her. She once again said that being depressed is a very serious condition and then questioned if I thought being depressed made me more interesting. She warned me about pop psychology and said that one needs to take a person’s personality into account. I pointed out that I was not trying to put myself in a box but rather was trying to express the way I knew I had felt.

I looked up the DSM4 criteria and did some more research.

I know that I generally appear very composed. I used to be barely able to identify how I felt, let alone share it with others. I had thought that I was now expressing how I was feeling and was asking for help but think I may still not be doing it very effectively.

I do, however, wonder at the response I received to my telling her that I had had suicidal thoughts.

It has tapped into my feelings of not being understood. I also feel like I have been asking for attention and it has been denied and therefore feel a little foolish.

In your opinion is it impossible for someone with the symptoms I mentioned and who is still able to get through their work day, to be depressed?
Is it possible that some people cease to function at home and work at lower levels of depression than others experiencing higher levels? From what I understand, there are a lot of different states of mind that can accompany the depression. Is this correct?

I personally feel that, at some points in my life, I have been incapacitated by lower levels of depression than other times in which I have suffered a much more depressed state but have still managed to keep going by sheer determination. This I managed usually for the sake of others or out of intolerance of the weakness that I saw “giving up” representing.

As a matter of fact, and in retrospect, I do not see this as a helpful thing – it made the breakdown I had in 2004 much more severe than if I had not been so single minded and neglectful of my well being. I was more concerned about letting people down than of myself.

However, I must say that at my worst I was most definitely unable get out of bed.

The following may demonstrate this mindset: A few years ago I went to work with a severe gastric bug. I was vomiting into bags on the train on the way there and then in between clients throughout day. I value my health and well being so much more now and would not do this.

My sister’s boyfriend committed suicide about 15 years ago. It was a big shock to all as it appeared that there was nothing wrong with him. He was still going to work and socialising. Surely this indicates that it is possible that depression not always be 100% obvious?

My therapist is still bringing the conversation back to the difference between being depressed and feeling depressed.

The fact that I managed to start a business and started planning it around this time seems to be the reason that my therapist does not accept that I was depressed.

I was initially driven by fear as I had experienced two destructive work environments in a row and could not face a third. Eventually that fear was not enough to drive me on – I froze, was unable to make decisions and was only able to carry on planning after I left, had a break and had partially recovered. I was however still able to go to work and get through each day. I had to take 3days off towards the end but know I would not have been able to work if I had stayed longer.

My therapist says that she was probably reacting to me “labelling myself” and she does not believe in labels. I feel that by repeatedly bringing everything back to depression versus feeling depressed she is trying to put me in a box and is saying I don’t fit in it i.e. labelling me!

Unfortunately I do believe that I was depressed and therefore just feel that she does not understand what I have experienced. This is why I have persevered in my conversations about depression. Almost no time has been taken to discuss how I was actually feeling at the time. How can I carry on discussing my feelings with her if I feel she is has not been open to seeing my emotional life as I experience it?

I also feel that throughout 4 years of therapy, she has totally misunderstood my personality. The idea that I would exaggerate how I felt is so far away from something I would do that I find it very hurtful.

She has always been very gentle and supportive of me. She has encouraged me to confront her if I disagree with anything she says. I do struggle with confrontation and this situation is the first time I have done this which I know is positive but do not feel the rest of the situation is. I believe my fundamental problems are with trust, feeling understood and feeling heard and this experience has damaged that. The first time I have trusted someone with my vulnerability they have refused to accept it as real. Before I would have barely been able to admit to myself that I was not coping let alone tell anyone else.

I have spent hour upon hour upon hour researching depression but am still unable to come up with all the answers that I seek. I started off not being that interested in the ins and outs of depression. I was interested in how I communicated my distress and how I was understood. It has now become important for me to properly understand it. I really do not know how to get past this and regain trust in my therapist. Any information and advice would be welcome! Thank you. Larkin

Dear Larkin, thanks for the many details regarding your question. As I understand it you are asking primary about whether you have had depression now or in the past. You also want to know if there are varying degrees of depression and whether an individual could have it and still be relatively functional (i.e. attend work).

Based on the information you have provided it does seem that you have had depression. You may also have it now. You had a definite year in which you suffered severe depression symptoms. Throughout your life you struggled intermittently with depression, including having thoughts of suicide. You even attempted on one occasion to harm yourself. To me, this means that it’s certainly possible that you could be diagnosed as having depression.

Depression can exist on a continuum. That is, an individual can be depressed for a period of time and then feel better and have virtually no depression symptoms. Also, there are many people who are able to function day-to-day but would still qualify as having depression. Outwardly, these depressed individuals appear as though they are happy and well but many are not.

One aspect of your history that would be helpful to know more about is the time period between October 2007 and October 2008. You described experiencing a fairly severe depression. You later wrote in your letter that the “darkness had lifted” at the end of June. You did not detail a situation or event during this time that caused you so much distress. Was it because you were having difficulty at work as you vaguely mentioned? It would be interesting to know more about what caused you such difficulty during that “dark” year.

With regard to your therapist it’s unclear why she behaves the way she does. I don’t fully understand the difference she insists on making between being depressed and having depression or why she resists the diagnosis. I suppose it’s because she doesn’t like ‘labels” as you stated. Maybe she believes labels are harmful and stigmatizing. Without more details I can only speculate. My main concern about your interaction with her is the time you told her about your suicide ideation and attempt to harm you self and she had very little to say about it. As you said, you and she barely discussed the event. Perhaps there is a good reason why she chose to not focus your (half-hearted) suicide attempt but generally speaking, it’s an odd reaction from a therapist.

What’s most important about your therapeutic relationship is whether you are being helped by your counselor. From what you wrote in your letter it does not seem that you are being helped in a satisfactory way. She is kind and considerate but are you making true progress? Since I only have your version of therapeutic events its difficult for to me give you an objective opinion about whether you should stay with you current therapist. What might be helpful in this situation is to gain an outside, objective opinion. You can do this by meeting with another therapist to gain his or her opinion about the status of your therapeutic progress.

I would also suggest that you be honest with your therapist about what you’re feeling. Tell her that you feel she doesn’t adequately address your concerns. Tell her what you expressed so well in this letter. As you wrote, she encourages you to confront her when you disagree with her. You did it once and it was positive experience. I’d recommend that you do it again, especially if you are seriously considering ending the therapy. Part of the problem may be miscommunication or simply a lack of communication. You’ve had a relationship with her for four years that overall seemed positive. It may be that you’ve hit a lull in therapy or you’ve moving into an area that is extra challenging for you. You may be projecting that difficulty onto her. All of these situations are possible. Your challenge is to find the truth.

I hope this helps. Thanks for writing.

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
PsychologyTherapy

How to Help a Hypochondriac

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend of two years is a hypochondriac. Before we met and started dating he was, as he describes, full blown delusional and utterly convinced that he had non existent medical issues. Though he is much better than a few years ago, he periodically projects his delusions of non existent medical issues on to me, claiming that I have an eating disorder, etc. as well on to himself. He won’t seek professional help or counseling out of fear of humiliation and refuses medication (he can be very stubborn). How do I help someone going through something like this?

People have to decide if they need help and then decide if they want help. If he’s unwilling to seek help, that’s his choice. You will have a choice to make, too. You’ll have to decide if you want a partner who stubbornly refuses treatment for a curable problem. It’s good that he has improved but this issue continues to negatively impact his life and by extension yours. That is unfortunate because if he were open to treatment, it could be easily corrected.

Suggest that he seek help. Encourage him to do so. Ultimately it may come down to the pivotal issue of therapy. If he is unwilling to get therapy, the relationship may naturally terminate. When you have been adamant about his need for therapy and encouraged him as much as you can, at that point, the only choice you have is whether or not to end the relationship. But realize that if you do not end the relationship, under these circumstances, that is a choice you will have made. You would have, in essence, accepted his refusal of treatment. Should you stay, it would not be fair to resent his decision. You will have to accept him as he is, the person who knowingly has a problem but who refuses treatment.

Dating is an opportunity to determine compatibility. If you are okay with his choices, then you may have chosen correctly. If not, then he may not be a match and it might be time to move on. Good luck with your decision.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
AbuseAnger ManagementGeneralPTSDRelationshipsTherapyTrauma

Angry Mood Swings

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I am an angry man. I was assaulted a year ago. It was violent. I have never been the same since. I use to be very peaceful, just sometimes sarcastic. Now I lash out. And I am condescending. I have taken everything out on my wife. And I don’t mean to. I love her. I know I do. She has supported me through so much. But I have pushed her too far. Now I have become too aggressive sexually. Not taking care of her needs. And just taking from her instead of waiting for her to be with me. I have felt very horrible for these actions. And I don’t understand why I am like this anymore. I don’t like me. I want to be the happy person I was. The kind loving husband I was. What is wrong with me? What do I do? What can I do? How can I save my marriage?

It is very common to hurt those who love you. Why? Because they are the only ones willing to take or overlook the abuse. Their love for you makes them more understanding and more forgiving and thus they become easy targets for abuse.

You would think that the people you love would be the last persons that you would choose to hurt or treat unfairly but indeed often they are the only people who will allow you to abuse them.

It is understandable that you would be allowing your wife to be the target of your anger or pain but it is not acceptable. I’m sure you know that and that became the basis of your motivation for writing.

You mentioned that you had been assaulted and that your abusive behavior toward your wife began after your assault. If your assault was physical, the physical injuries that you suffered were accompanied by psychological injuries. It’s impossible to have physical injuries without accompanying psychological injury. Human beings are conscious, psychological beings.

The body does a good job of repairing physical damage. The human psyche is not as self-repairing. The bruises have faded but the psychological damage may actually be worsening. It is impossible for me to adequately understand or diagnose your situation from a short, written correspondence.

If you truly feel that your behavior toward your wife is not acceptable and is very unfair to her, then obviously your behavior must stop and the sooner the better. Abuse can be better tolerated by a loved one but it is not forgotten and is rarely forgiven. The intentionality of the abuse will always be considered by a loved one. Did you mean to hurt them? Did you do everything within your power to stop yourself from hurting them?

The obvious answer to your situation is effective counseling. The lingering psychological damage from your assault of a year ago is very likely causing your abusive behavior toward your wife. Counseling can very quickly stop your abusive behavior toward your wife and with time can cure the psychological damage which lingers from your assault of a year or so ago.

Please don’t hesitate to get help and I wish you success.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
GeneralRelationships

Not Meant to be in a Relationship?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Growing up, I never thought I would be in a long term relationship. I thought maybe I’d have some boyfriends, but nothing serious, I never wanted to get married, have kids, etc. I think part of it was how I was raised- my parents never wanted me to depend on a man, and my mom was a pretty staunch feminist who discouraged me getting involved with boys. Even as I got older, she frequently disapproved of my relationships. But more than that they stressed that I should take care of myself and put me first. It’s helped me be independent and goal-oriented, but sometimes I wonder if it’s also made me a bit selfish and unsuitable for relationships.

In spite of this, I see the benefit in having someone and making a commitment. Rationally, I think ‘that’s a good idea, I should do that’. I’ve gotten emotionally attached as well and tried to make it work. I’ve had one long term relationship of about three years, which ended on sad but friendly terms. I’ve also spent time on my own. Some of it was lonely, particularly when I was freshly out of the relationship, but I’m generally fine doing things by myself too.

I’ve now been with a great guy for about a year. He is very relationship and commitment-oriented, and I feel I’ve learned a lot while I’ve been with him. I enjoy spending time with him, I think we work well together and can make each other happy. But whenever I get upset with him or we have a fight, I immediately think, well the hell with it. I’m fine being by myself, I should just cut this off.

I try to remind myself about the give and take of a relationship, that I need to be more patient and work hard at it, and that there are real benefits to having someone important in my life. But sometimes I just feel like maybe I’m not meant for relationships. I’m a really rational person, and while I can understand that one might argue this just isn’t the right person for me, I get the feeling it’s not that. My problem is more that I need to rationally believe that this is what I should be doing.

I guess my question is, professionally, is there a category of people who are not suited for relationships? And I don’t mean serial killers or something. Are relationships recommended by psych professionals? Or is it just a matter of preference?

I’d also be interested to know if you think it’s likely my views will change. I’m 27 now and I can see that being in a place in life where I have surviving family, an active social life, single friends, etc. it’s easy for me to look lovingly at my solo life.

Thanks for your time and help. This is my first time on the site but I think it’s a very valuable resource for people, especially in the current health care climate.

Generally speaking, it is healthy to be in a relationship although it is not necessary. Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist thought that men and woman complement each other.

With regard to your specific situation, it is not healthy to want to end a relationship each time the two of you have an argument. It is healthy to not need the other person in the relationship; it is much healthier to be in a relationship because you want to be in it but to consider ending it every time there is a fight is abnormal.

Part of the reason you want to flee the relationship each time there is a fight may be because of how you were raised. It seems as though your mother raised you to believe that males were not desired or needed. She may have instilled in you the idea that men have little value and thus when they cause even the simplest “problem” they are “easily dispensable.” You don’t “need” them so why bother with them. It is good that you are able to exist in the world without having to depend on others but you may have taken this idea to the extreme, in a way that may be harmful to you.

Another reason to explain why you desire to end the relationship so abruptly may be because the individual you are dating is not “right” for you. I suspect though it has more to do with the first reason I mentioned, that because of how you were raised, you have little tolerance for “males” and their “problems.”

Relationships are difficult by nature. They are a melding together of two people’s interests, goals, desires, ideas, opinions, thoughts, and so forth. Relationships also require selflessness. If you are committed to the individual you are with, then the relationship may be worth “fighting” for. By “fighting” I mean that in a healthy relationship, you will have to compromise and things probably will not always go your way. But if you admire, respect, desire or love the person you are with you would be willing to make these and other sacrifices.

You also asked about whether you will change your thoughts and ideas in the future. The answer is that it depends. If you think back to the time when you were 17, then there is a good chance that what you thought then or found important is quite different than what you think or find important at 27. At 17, you probably had different, less informed ideas about the world than at 27.

If you are open to changing, to exploring new ideas and are not close-minded, then there is a great likelihood that your goals may change in the future. With regard to having children, for instance, there are many women like you who grew up believing they would never want to have children. Then they get a little older, get married, find that they have a “biological clock” (real or imagined) and suddenly they are parents claiming how unconscionable it was that they ever declared or thought about not having children. This is a fairly common scenario. The bottom line is that you can and probably will change your mind about certain aspects of your life in the future.

I am also curious about how much of what your mother believes to be true about men and relationships has dominated your thinking? How much of what you believe about relationships is your mother’s thinking or an extension thereof? You need to be clear about what your ideas about relationships are as well as what is the correct and healthy way to behave in a relationship. It would be smart to further explore your questions and ideas either by self-analysis or with the help of a therapist. You do not want to be in a situation where you sabotage a good and healthy relationship with ideas or behaviors that are not yours and are incorrect and unhealthy. I hope this helps. Thanks for your interesting question.

0 comment
0 FacebookTwitterPinterestEmail
Newer Posts
Older Posts