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Best Friend or Best Foe

by hrcounts

I had a best male friend and we were really close. He was there when I had a lot of family issues happen and when his long term relationship ended I was there for him as well. My spouse and I were separated and I was going through a health crisis and my best friend was there. As we started getting close to each other things crossed the line and we became intimate a few times but it wasn’t to the point were it was a weekly or even monthly regime. However when I asked him where we stood, he finally came out and said he loved me and cared for me and wanted to reserve our friendship because he had thought about us becoming a couple several times but was more afraid to lose me because if the relationship didn’t work out we’d have nothing at all. Well I was also still legally married and needed to clear that matter up before being with anyone. Well after he told me that I felt rejected and told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore and we shouldn’t talk to one another! Every day we’d talk for hours at work, over the phone and texting like crazy. I told him this in April and he stopped talking to me in July. He told me what I sad hurt him and he was trying to work through what I said to him but I don’t understand how I said this to him in April but he finally stopped talking to me in July. He did it cold turkey, the problem is we work together and he ignores me daily and since we’ve stopped talking in July he calls my mom 1x a week!! He had a relationship developing with my parents but it wasn’t to the point of calling until after we’d stop being friends. I don’t understand how he started calling my mom but didn’t want anything to do with me. What happened here and how did I lose my friend? I would like closure on this matter but cannot seem understand why he started acting as if he hated me but wanted to keep in touch with my parents. He avoids looking at me and the times he does it’s like he wants to say something but doesn’t. (age 30, from US)

I’m sure that they situation is more complicated than this, but the simple answer is that you lost your friend because you told him you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I think you need to take some responsibility in the situation. After crossing the friendship line, you asked him where you stood and he answered you honestly. You didn’t like his answer and felt rejected so you then rejected him. It might have taken three months to self destruct, but ultimately that’s what happened.

If you want to know why he isn’t talking to you but is talking to your parents, ask him. If you want to try to salvage a friendship with him, tell him that. If you feel like you need more closure, ask if he would be willing to meet with you outside of work so you can talk through some things. However, keep in mind that things may never return to the way they used to be and you may just have to call it a loss and move on with your life.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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