A commonly-asked question at this time of the year is, “Can I give my therapist a Christmas or holiday gift? What about just a card?”
The answer varies from therapist to therapist and from doctor to doctor.
Generally therapists seek to keep the relationship between a client and themselves a professional one, despite the emotional material often discussed in psychotherapy. The more the line blurs between “professional therapist” and “paid friend,” the more complicated the relationship becomes. So most therapists will seek to keep that line — what they call a boundary — clear and well-understood by both parties.
Some therapists will talk about the subject proactively, letting each client know ahead of time what their policy is regarding presents and cards. Since presents often denote greater meaning than a card, a therapist will most often be reluctant to receive a gift from an active client. In some professions, such as psychology, such gifts are actively discouraged, not because they are not well-intended but because they blur the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship.
Other therapists will not think to talk about the topic, especially with older clients they may have seen longer than a year. If you’re uncertain whether your therapist or psychiatrist is open or able to receive gifts from their clients, simply ask — “Hey doc, do you accept Christmas presents from your clients?” Your therapist will think nothing of the question, and more likely than not will answer you in a direct and thoughtful manner.
If your therapist or doctor accepts gifts, you should keep the gift inexpensive (under $20) and oriented toward something specific you know about the therapist they may appreciate. For instance, if your doc likes to fish, a fancy new fishing lure might be appropriate. A gift card to a favorite local eating place is fine. Stay away from jewelry or gifts with special meaning (to either you or the therapist). The best gifts reflect the tastes of the receiver, not the giver.
If your therapist does not accept gifts (and most do not), you can also consider giving a holiday card if you’re so inclined. Again, you should check with your therapist first, as many won’t accept a card from their clients either. But because cards are exchanged even amongst professional colleagues, some therapists may be more accepting of receiving a card.
Gift-giving or card-giving to your therapist is likely to be a one-way street. Very few therapists exchange gifts with their patients, or give out cards to each client. If you’re likely to be upset by the fact that the gift or card is not reciprocated (or appreciated in a specific preconceived manner), you should probably forgo the gift- or card-giving in the first place. And even though this article is focused on holiday gift-giving, it also applies to birthdays (yours and your therapist’s).
Don’t be disappointed if your therapist nixes gift-giving this holiday season. Such a tradition is one that is usually best shared with close friends and family. While it’s easy to think of our therapists as falling into one of those two groups, the therapeutic relationship is really a professional one—just one that happens to discuss very personal and emotionally important topics.
43 comments
Thank you for your eloquent, insightful and thoughtful post. I imagine that this will help many who are feeling pressured and confused.
Over the years, I have given my therapist artwork, partly because I cannot afford to pay her, but also as a reflection of my respect for her.
My most recent gift is a photograph that I took and is still in her office. Railroad tracks lead back to the black bridge above, which seems to float impossibly as it disappears in the downy winter foliage.
She said that she’s been meaning to take it home, but patients keep talking about it. Which makes me happy. I know that other pieces of mine are commented on by guests in her home, as she brings this up.
But I would never buy her a present.
I once gave a beloved psychiatrist a “Freud” baseball hat before I moved out of town. Although I didn’t know whether he played in a recreational softball league, I was pretty sure he appreciated it.
Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
http://www.wendyaron.com
This was a great article. My therapist and I have know each other for 23 years and are going on 18 years of therapy. We took a five year break. Now, we actually exchange gifts most of the time. I usually receive something that is symbolically related to the work that we are doing in therapy. I usually purchase something that I know that he will enjoy. It is different for everyone and depends on the relationship. There are definitely clear boundaries in other areas.
CC
I think giving your therapist a gift depends on the type of gift it is. I think holiday cards are nice; small, thoughtful gifts are also kind like the gift Wendy spoke about.
One of the things that probably makes the big difference is the spirit in which a gift is given. You know how it feels when you’ve given someone a gift and you can “intuitively” determine whether their genuinely thankful or not? Well…if you appear too personal with your gifts, it will certainly make therapists uneasy.
As an aspiring therapist myself, I think I would look at the way in which a gift is given to me from a client and I’m sure other therapist would as well. They will know if you’re being friendly or something else. At least we hope they will!
This year, I will be giving my therapist a Christmas gift for the first time since I started seeing her in 2001. I took a pottery class and want to give her one of the bowls I made. I am sure, from my history with her, that she will accept gracefully.
I think professional boundaries are important, but I think gift giving can be within those boundaries. We often give gifts to teachers, ministers, and professional colleagues. Our culture has developed therapy on a medical model, but it is also based on strong personal
relationships. I like to think we can be fluid in these kinds of decisions and go with what feels right.
Would it be acceptable to give a counsellor a gift/card on the last visit? As a sort of ‘parting gift’? I am due to finish this September and would like to offer more than a simple thank you because of the incredible support he has offered.
I gifted my therapist as a good-bye and thank you. I sent him something I knew he would like. I hope that it was an okay thing to do. I wanted …just once…to think of him. There was no ulterior motive. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated all that he had done for me.
I think gifts to therapists are OK, as long as the policy allows it. I don’t think it compromises the professionalism of the relationship. After all, business clients give each other gifts all the time. If in doubt, ask your therapist about his/her policy on accepting gifts.
However, the gifts should be professional and formal in nature. In other words, some are acceptable, and others aren’t. For example, gifts cards to popular restaurants, a non-personal item related to your therapist’s interest, or an office gift (like a fountain pen) are OK. Gifts like jewelry, clothing, or household items are not OK because they’re too personal. Then there are “borderline” gifts, like cookies or chocolates; use your own judgment with these.
Person says: ‘However, the gifts should be professional and formal in nature’.
I totally disagree! I think gifts should be anything but formal and professional in nature.
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I think what I meant to say is that the gifts should be appropriate, not necessarily formal.
To elaborate, if you know your therapist enjoys tiny figurines of ballerinas, such a gift would be appropriate and fitting. However, if you noticed that your therapist seems to wear sexy lingerie, giving a “teddy” as a gift would be inappropriate.
Cost also factors into the equation. While I don’t want to suggest a person be “cheap,” they should probably keep any such gifts to a therapist under a certain threshold (a limit a therapist will often individually set for their clients, usually around $20 to $30).
There is no way that you should notice that your therapist wears sexy lingerie. That would constitute a boundary violation on her part.
I know you were just trying to give an example, but…
Yes, ‘appropriate’ is the ‘correct’ word, but there is no generally ‘appropriate’, and it has to come from the heart…that matters the most.
I have never had a therapist refuse a gift, and I don’t think anyone has ever given gifts like I do…they are unique.
I agree that it really matters that the gifts are inexpensive, and some of my gifts cost less than a dollar. let me give an example of how I give gifts, and what kind.
One I got on several occasions ‘gummy candy things’, the edibile kind. Once it was a pizza, (it is wrapped and comes with 5 little slizes), another time a gummy hot dog and a little coke bottle. (told him it was for luch)
Another time to another person it was a small bottle of whiskey and one of wine for ‘sand box therapy’. (I thought she needed alcohol even if this was not my problem, nor a family member’s problem’.
Once I drew a picture of the reception ar5ea with his secretaries, (one of whom was his wife) and the therapist standing in the door. he immediately got up and showed the ladies, and they commented…
Another time it was a beautiful, very soft blanket that was perfect for the office. (I told the therapist, a woman, it was sort of for myself, and I needed it.) She loves it and it is always there. (I also apologetically told her it cost only $9 , because it mattered to me that it was not expensive)
One time she told me that her father was very sick and how stressful this was for her mother. (This sharing was brief and appropriate, and not the usual thing) So the next time I gave her two audio books, used, from my own library for her mother to read and promised they would distract her, and the mother loved them.
I also sent her a link to Susan Boyle’s appearance of ‘Britains got talent’ and she told me she forwarded it to her mother and she cried, and which was a good thing.
Well, so much for today’s sharing.
From the heart and not expensive!
Oh, and I also printed out the article about the 12 worst habits of therapists and gave it to the therapist. loved it!
Kat
PS: Toy alcohol bottles, tiny.
PPS: That example of the ‘teddy’ is precious. I don’t think that would be appropriate, either.
I’d like to give a plant to my wife’s therapist to thank her for helping my wife. Is this appropriate?
Katrin I loved reading your post, it made me smile. And I agree, those are great gifts!
And Tom, I think that would be a lovely gesture.
Does anyone think sending a video of myself playing a piano song would be ok? We once talked about how I play it and how I don’t like to perform in front of many but that I would play after everyone had left or if I knew that just one person was at the back of the room. To which he replied ‘I would stay to listen to you’ which almost made me cry!
I know I will probably never see him again (which makes me quite sad) so what should I care but I don’t want to do the wrong thing…
Follow your heart and intuition, Judy. Sometimes, you take a risk by doing something, but those are always the very best results, and the most special outcomes.
‘Taking no risks is risking everything.’
Dorothy Satten
PS: And thank you for your feedback.
My therapist is on internship that ends in a couple of weeks. I was thinking of buying her a gel-filled candle with butterflies inside, but am not sure how appropriate a gift like that would be? It’s about $10, and quite symbolic to the idea of therapy. I just want to make sure it isn’t go too far.
Mary, nobody can tell you that. You have to feel comfortable with the gift. Follow your heart and intuition. Kat
I can tell about a gift that a friend of mine gave to her therapist, and it’s almost as bad as the ‘teddy’.
She first gave the secretary a check for $6000, and then the psychiatrist one for $50.000.
The psychiatrist made the secretary return her gift but he kept his. This would come to haunt him for years, I should add.
Because, after it was over, she called and called and called.
Correction: I got this mixed up. There were two different doctors and the one whose secretary she gave all this money to was not the same as the one who took the $50.000.
Sorry!
But what if I don’t know anything about my therapist, except her name and that she is kind to me? Then I cannot give her something I am sure she will like. I have given her a card once and she accepted.
I envy those who can know what their therapists’ hobbies…
Peter, you know a lot more than you think you know about your therapist. You don’t need to know his/her hobbies.
It’s not important what you do not know but what you do know, like the fact that she is kind.
It is my personal belief that the best, and only really great presents, come directly from the heart.
KAT
can i give my therapist a gift. two appointments he did not take money from me
Wow, I am shocked by how many people completely missed the message of this article, which is that ALL gift giving blurs the boundaries in a professional relationship. I am pleased that my therapist keeps things strictly business, and know that were I to give him a gift or even a card, his acceptance of it would be begrudging. I want to spare both of us from such an awkward exchange, and will continue to leave him off my gift list.
Last year I gave my therapist of 1.5 years (then) a yankee candle, a couple of godiva bars and a mug that had a funny saying (that I got at a garage sale). I was very agoraphobic at the time. I told her I got her the “stuff” not really knowing much about her tastes. The real gift was that I’d finally made it out of the house and thought to get her something.
She is very professional and accepted it with a big smile.
As a therapist, I accept cards from my clients, but not gifts (other than a card, picture, poem). It is an individual situation – most of my colleagues are touched to know their clients would like to give them a gift. However, some (like myself) are very concerned about boundries.
Honestly, a card, picture, poem, etc is the best way to go. We like to know we are doing a good job. As someone already mentioned though, seeing you getting better and seeing you succeed – truly the BEST GIFT you can ever give us!!
The exception is when someone ends therapy. In that case, (of course only if you want to) most therapists are ok with a small, inexpensive gift.
Considering both my therapist and psychiatrist have given me their cell phone numbers to call “at any time” I feel like the least I can do is give them something small in appreciation of the time they give up when I do need to call.
I know a lot about my therapist, kids names, her hobbies, that she coaches her daughters soccer team and does yoga it would be pretty easy to find something. I was thinking a gift card to the movies so she could take her kids, kind of a way to enjoy her time with her kids– especially since I can always hear them in the background when I have to call her.
The psychiatrist is a little trickier… I only meet with her 2 or 3 times a month but here recently she has seen my as a therapist when I was in crisis and my therapist couldn’t come in (they are in the same practice) she also stays late to work around my schedule and called to check up on me on weekends. I have her cel phone as well and will text her when something just doesn’t seem right with meds.
Given that they give all this time to me I feel like it’s the least that I can do to give something back to them. Maybe this is the inherent christmas loving, perfect gift finding, person in me but I will do it no matter!
My therapist’s wife is having a baby soon- I’ve been seeing him for a few years now, and I would like to get him a baby gift. That’s what I was raised to do for people we are expecting. Is that too personal?
I give my therapist a gift each Christmas. The first time, I gave her a little ornamental vase and the second time, a Yankee candle. She always thanks me when I give it to her but she doesn’t open it in front of me or mention it again.
If it’s helpful to you, I regret giving her the vase. I wondered if she felt awkward having something given by a patient that is meant to sit in her house and look pretty. I guess she may not even have kept it because she might not want reminders of work at home. The yankee candle was a little bit less ‘personal’ but still on a similar vein.
This year, I’ve been thinking about the issue a lot and feel I still want to give her something but want to give something that won’t make her feel awkward or bring an obligation to have a reminder of me or get rid of the thing.
Therefore, after much thought, I have concluded that the best gift you could give a therapist is something like a box of chocolates which won’t be around long enough to be an unwanted reminder. Something that doesn’t reflect your personality or have too much meaning associated.
My therapist has a bathroom next to the office and I thought this year I might buy some nice hand soap that she can put in there and not have to take home. I think this is a gift she will appreciate.
C
I think you have the right idea there Candycan, I too have given my therapist a gift (expensive pen)I later regret as I felt like it wasn’t right to have given a gift that would remind the therapist of me whenever it was used or looked at. I just got excited about trying to show my gratitude, but yes… box of choccys next time…
Hi!
I´m a therapist and every christmas i receive a few presents from some of my pacients. I work in a big hospital and also in a clinic and my experience, contrary to what the article says, is that most therapists won´t mind gettings gifts and will actually feel that this act is an expresion of a natural gratitude from a patient to a professional (the same way a doctor, a destist or a laywer would). The problem of too personal gifts is that the patient sometimes gifts the therapist as he or she would gift to a friend. It´s important, when giving a gift to a therapist, to keep in mind that you are buying a gift to a professional and no to a close friend. The gift itself, may be anything as long as it´s given with that in mind. I have a therapist myself and I am used to giving her a gift every christmas. One year I gave a bottle of wine, the other a hand lotion and this year I got her a coupon for a bookstore nearby her work. She is always gracefull about it although she never get´s emotional or too thankfull and that´s how it´s supose to go in my opinion. When i get a gift from a patient i open it, thank the pacient and use this situation as a opening topic to the therapy session. Often I ask about the holidays, about christmas plannig or anything i can connect to the gift and that specific patient´s life.
There is a special bond between therapist and client,and to not accept a reasonable gift from a client shows insecurity on the therapist part and can do much to damage the relationship, as most clients are highly sensitive to rejection in the first place. Kindness and warmth goes a long way in the healing process. That is not bluring the lines but sharing in a caring way.
What if your therapist gives you gifts? I was complaining a lot about not having enough money to buy any food. And my therapist one day gives me a bag of groceries. I did accept them. But then later she started to want to make a grocery list so that she could buy me the food I wanted. At that point I told her that I felt uncomfortable with it. After that I slid further into a deep depression because oddly I felt like even the therapy I was seeking was weak. I mean I knew there was something wrong with that situation. I knew it was wrong for me. But is it really wrong for a therapist to do this? Or am I just over reacting? I know it changed something in how I saw her since she did that. I don’t feel I can rely on her.
I totally understand why your feeling uncomfortable but its strange isnt it? Why you would feel uncomfortable almost disappointed by someone offering you kindness… thats how I felt when this lady I was seeing (who wasnt exactly a psychologist but was similar) started trying to give me money and buy me things. She even started telling me that I should call her any time of the day or night (she made reference to being there in her PJs if need be). She then started ringing me and asking me if I wanted to come over to her place and meet her family and have dinner with her for her sons birthday. At first I liked her like this, I felt safer knowing that there was someone who would be there for me (I have no one else). I felt like it was good to have a mother figure but then when it go to the point where she was wanting me to come to her house I was getting very uncomfortable with all the attention and the boundries she was stretching, it made me feel like I couldnt trust her advice etc because it was probably personal advice not professional,factual proven advice. It was a weird situation and I stopped seeing her although she has tried to call me a few times but I ignore them now. She was a nice chick and I hope I havent hurt her by rejecting her kindness but it just got too weird and uncomfortable for me.
I have a couple of questions.
First what do people think about a gift to them at the last session as a thank you?
Some have said no to jewelry but during the time we have been working together, I have been working on learning to make inexpensive jewelry and not reject it myself as not good enough and hiding it away. So would jewelry be ok in this case?
I know she wears it as I see it twice weekly when I work with her. I know I could make something simple, inexpensive that would fit her style.
I think gift giving from the heart is a nice thing to do. I wouldn’t just do it for anyone but my current therapist is someone who I think I have that connection with. Today I gave her a present and it was more expensive. But it felt right. It was personal enough to fit our relationship. It did not fit in a place I did not belong. I noticed she was a bit uncomfortable and that’s ok. I can handle that. It was meant to say thank you and she accepted. I would be offended if she said that wasn’t ok. It is real. It is from my genuine appreciation and I could and wanted to afford it. I get boundaries but having a place where I can give something back is important to me. I would not want to work with someone where that wasn’t accepted. Sometimes I think therapists can not see beyond. We are all people after all and I like choice.
Hi,
I gave my psychologist over $2000 in gifts last year, and another $700 gift just last week that he accepted. I am having second thoughts and don’t know what to do. I am feeling very hurt by him and regret the gifts
dumbclient
Don’t feel bad. I think if you are in a big city — and many therapy clients HAVE money — probably more do this than are fessing up here. It is sort of like giving money to private school teachers. It some schools it is part of the culture. I geuss the idea is – if you are a wall street tycoon it is nice to share with the people who work for you in the helping professions. With that said – you can look at why you did do this. Is money a symbol of love ? Do you feel guilty about talking about your stuff and so trying to overcompensate? You don’t have to make these gifts to be acceptable or accepted by your therapist. How would it feel to not give them ? Money is highly charged emotionally. Look at it. If not with your therapist then with another one.
and — pat yourself on the back for being generous. Your therapist may have felt is was important to accept your gift. Or he may have just taken it because. Only you know whether or not your therapy feels healthy and helpful. But don’t feel foolish for giving. Just – you don’t have to. It is a gift not an expectation.
What about giving homemade Christmas cookies for the entire office and not just the therapist? That is what I’m considering so as to not make either of us uncomfortable or possibly cross a boundary.
Funny, this happened to me last night. A client I have been working with brought a gift and I admit I was unsure how to react. We discussed it briefly and as he was the last client of the day, I gave him a longer session and accepted the gift. I believe it did make him feel better to have me accept it. As others have said use your own good judgment as to gift getting. I personally do not give out gifts but do wish my clients a Happy Holiday!