I have reached a point where once away from work, my life has no meaning. My value is determined by the quality of work I provide and the number of praises I receive.
I do believe that I am a decent human being, but I am never the one people call for drinks or to join a trip. Instead, I’m the one people call for favors. Having had enough of that I did some cleaning in my social circle – which wasn’t very big to begin with – to end up on my own.
I have never been in a relationship either. I don’t think I’m that ugly or uninteresting, but I never knew how to behave with the opposite gender, and I wasn’t exactly free of my movements prior to me starting working. It seems to me that when people were learning how to live, I was either studying, working or staying home because the parents were against me going out. And by the time I gained some freedom, I found out I wasn’t properly equipped to navigate the outside world and fear of rejection is enough to keep me from trying.
As ridiculous as it may seem, I still live with my parents. I feel as though they have a leash around my neck. I am ashamed to think that I wouldn’t be able to fully live my life until their death. Now I do love my mother, but she seems to have this power to drag me down so much I find myself hating her. I couldn’t care less for my father. I plainly and simply despise him.
I feel like when I was younger, I was passionate about so many things, curious to try so many things but now I became this type of person I always hated. I always thought I would never mind being on my own as I could do whatever I wanted but now the weight of loneliness is slowly crushing me it becomes more and more unbearable. I can take myself to fancy places for the holiday, buy the most expensive things but it’s just not enough to fill this big hole inside of me. I can’t seem to know how to use my free time either.
I’m keeping it together as much as I can, but I feel that all these feelings will come out bursting out of me and suffocate me. (From Morocco)
You list your age as 29 and this is too long to be under your mother and father’s roof. Unless one or both of your parents are disabled in a significant way changing your living status with them by planning to move is the main thing to focus on for your transformation. As long as you are living with them, there will be a bubble surrounding your growth.
You may have the perspective that you are living there to save money or help them save money, or that it is convenient. But this bubble is a shield that is keeping you from growing. It may feel like living at home is protecting you in some way, but whatever protects—inhibits. You need to change your thinking by first changing your circumstances.
It is time to plan a move. By living with your parents you are sending the message out to the world that you aren’t ready for independence. Friends won’t want to come visit you if they feel like they are being babysat by having your parents there. You say they were against you going out, so as long as you stay there you are going to carry around that imprint. The reason why you were able to be passionate about so many things is that at a younger age it was appropriate for you and your friends to live at home. But as your friends have moved on you have stayed. This is what is suffocating you.
It is time to plan to leave your parent’s home. Talk to friends, work with a counselor, talk to people at the university you studied at. Speak to your clergy. Make it your mission to move over the next six months. This will bring you the type of engagement you are looking for.
Wishing you patience and peace,