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Boyfriend Cheats, Refuses to Commit

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

We have been together 3.5yrs. We talk about marriage, I push a little on when and he pulls away and seeks out sex with low self esteem girls that he can demean in bed. I have an auto immune disease that forces me to not work so I am financially dependent on him. If we split I’m homeless, car-less,moneyless! That has turned me into a pleaser I do whatever I am asked (by him) I give 110% to him and fight hard to keep this working. Also because I love him, but now I’m so lost and confused I’m tired of being hurt! Why should I be punished with heart break because hes still not ready to commit. I haven’t told him I saw the dozen messages on the dating site he sent to hook up with girls. I feel like I should confront him and deal with the consequences or suck it up and pretend everything is fine. He is an amazing boy friend to my face, sweet, kind caring- the perfect guy. Who also is seeking out sex with strangers. Its not just sex its demeaning sex. He has never tried to behave that way with me during love making. Thank you.

You should not ignore your boyfriend’s behavior but your biggest challenge is dealing with your relationship issues while avoiding homelessness. You should talk to him about his behavior and inform him that you and he cannot have a healthy relationship if he is actively pursuing other women. If he wants to salvage the relationship, then he needs to change his behavior accordingly.

Another way to approach this situation is to ask him if he’d attend couples counseling. If so, it’s evidence that he has a desire to save the relationship.

In the meantime, you should be attempting to determine if maintaining the relationship is viable. If he will not stop pursuing other women, after you’ve informed him that it is damaging the relationship, then it’s unlikely that your relationship will last. In this case, you should be planning your next steps, particularly how to acquire the necessary financial resources to avoid homelessness, should the relationship end.

You’re in a challenging predicament. Your goal, at this point, is to determine if the relationship is viable while also developing a backup plan should you no longer live with him. Is there anyone else you can live with? Could you live with a parent? A sibling? A friend? Those are the types of questions you should be considering while you still have a place to live. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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