Um, how to start. I’m a student in a mid-high school school. My grades are not bad nor good either. Though, since i was a 7 years old girl, i’m not sure if i’ve ever said anything to them or no, people begin to bully and harass me. I don’t know why, and usually i being used by peoples i called ‘friends’.
So…up ’till now i was always being bullied, until i got very sick of it and take an action; i cut their arms. not literally cutted, it just grazed by razor that they brought at school and use to scare me. I feel bad about it, but i also feel happy. I can feel i was smiling seeing that blood came out from his wound. I would like to do it more. I don’t know why i just can’t help it. Fortunately no one has been killed by my own hands, yet.
I’m a fanatic of horror and violence movies. Just seeing them sadistically killed makes me uncontrollably giggling. Maybe it was because of the blood~
I’m not a sociable person, most think i’m crazy and insane for talking to myself and entertain myself without relying on others. Right, i have no friends in the school because i couldn’t trust anyone.
My parents, i never tell them about my problems and tends to lock myself inside my bedroom. Because i know they’ll say “It was your fault anyway”. Yea…it was my fault i attracted those bullies. I always be and blamed that includes everything upon me. “Because it’s YOUR fault” they say. My brothers never support me too. they’ll just mock me. I can hear them laugh when i told them my suffering. such a nice brother, aren’t they~?
I know it against rule, but i always bring knife to school. Sometimes i laugh maniacally to myself or when i cut them. Blood surely pretty~ that’s what i thought.
I think my parents just going to mad at me for hurting others, because if i said the truth, they’ll just “You’re not allowed to talk back!”. Oh well~
I’m not so manipulative, but i can charm few peoples to do jobs for me. Whenever they found out, i just guilt-trips at them. I know it’s bad but it’s sorta of fun.
Intellectually, your reaction to bullying is understandable but not right. Perhaps you resorted to violence because you felt helpless but it doesn’t make it okay. It’s the wrong solution for several reasons. If you attack someone they may fight back. You may be severely injured or even killed. Physically attacking someone is illegal. You would likely be arrested and incarcerated. You risk losing your freedom. Incarceration is also traumatizing and bullying can and does occur there. It’s not a good experience. Having a criminal record can also ruin your chances to go to college or to get a job.
With regard to your bullies, you have a desire to “kill them.” You asked if that was normal for someone your age. No, it’s not normal for anyone at any age. I see it as a sign that you feel helpless, are suffering and lack the skills to know how to resolve this problem. Adult intervention is required.
What should you do? Every time you experience bullying, report it to the school faculty. In most schools, there is a zero tolerance policy with regard to bullying. The bullies might be suspended or even expelled from school. If they were suspended or expelled, your problem could be solved. You should also report it to your parents. They need to know what is happening even if you don’t think they will believe you. Tell them. Document the bullying. If necessary, call the police and report what is happening to you in school.
Don’t resort to violence. I have described a more appropriate strategy for dealing with the bullying and I hope you will take my advice. As I outlined above, you have a great deal to lose by engaging in violence.
Finally, if you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else, then it’s imperative to seek immediate emergency treatment. Go to the emergency room or call 911. Emergency assistance can stop you from engaging in behavior that will harm you or others. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice