From the U.S.: I was taken into foster care when I was a child (10-12). It happened more than once, and for petty reasons. It is still affecting me today, almost two decades later. I want the emotional pain to stop.
Every time I was ripped from my family, it felt like part of my soul died. After these traumatic experiences of being removed, I felt I was incapable of being loved or loving others, for fear they could always be taken away by corrupt social workers. I find it difficult to form adult relationships and am scared about when I have children. What if I will never be able to form bonds with them do to fear of losing them? There was a time when I did not want children due to this fear or them being psychologically hurt as much as I was, if they were taken from me.
Please help me- deep down, I want to love so badly but I always seem to push people away. My family tells me I should have forgotten this years ago, but it still hurts. Any insight you could provide would be appreciated. I do not want this to ruin my life. Thank-you.
Repeated upheavals and removals do leave scars. The child you were decided that the only way to protect yourself was to stop loving. That child also decided that the reason for the removals was that you are unlovable.
Those are a child’s conclusions. To get past them, you probably need a therapist to help heal that child who still lives on inside of you. You are an educated woman in a highly technical job. Clearly, you are an intelligent and able person who knows how to solve lots of kinds of professional problems. With the support and guidance of a therapist, those same skills and abilities can be brought to bear on the personal ones.
You’ve spent 20 years of your life feeling unlovable and unable to love. You don’t need to spend that next decades stuck in those beliefs. Please find a supportive therapist and stick with it for a couple of years. Reclaim the lovable, loving person you were meant to be.
I wish you well.