Home Abuse Can My Boyfriend and I Ever Be Happy Together?

Can My Boyfriend and I Ever Be Happy Together?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I recently have been having a hard time moving on from an emotional, physical, and mentally abusive relationship. My fiance kicked me out of our home to move in his brother’s baby mother, he is 39 and she is 19! The 19 year old had just had a baby for my fiances brother.

My world was shattered, and my heart was so broken, as I am 33 never been married and never had any children. This made my schizophrenia worse, after a long time it had been good. Now, after the girl is out of the picture after repeated bouts of breaking up and getting back together (the reasons again for breaking up a second and third time was because of the 19 year old) Lo and behold I started researching and came to the conclusion that me and my fiance had ALOT of issues.

His issues stem from childhood trauma and his mother abandoning him and his two brothers. Now, he suffers from Narcissism, Dependent Personality, Sociopath, Depression,  Addictions, and he is emotionally unavailable. These are the major ones he suffers from. I on the other hand have Schizoaffective Disorder,  Anxiety, and Bi-Polar. All of which have been treated for and is currently taking my medications.

The problem is that even though we have no children together, we still spend a lot of time together.  (not so much as we used to though) Most of the time, we can’t stand each other but we cant stay away from each other. I believe we both have a Love/Hate relationship with each other. I want to trust him and be with him, but I can’t get over ALL the horrible things that were done and said to me. However, I am somewhat abusive towards him, but he is the main aggressor. I need help to sort through these issues and help him. How can we ever be together happily?

I am very glad you are taking your medicines and doing what you can to understand yourself and your fiance. You are wise not to let this situation derail you from your own treatment.

You’ve done a lot of work to try to understand yourself and your guy. Your conclusions regarding diagnoses may or may not be correct. You don’t have the training to interpret symptoms. But your own good sense tells you that both of you have many issues that deserve attention and that need to be dealt with if you two are to have a happy life together.

What you don’t mention is what work your boyfriend is doing. From your letter, it sounds like you are the one who made the effort to draw boundaries around your fiance’s involvement with his brother’s girlfriend. You are the one doing the research. You are the one who wrote to us here at Psych Central. This concerns me. When one person does all the work of a couple, it is like one hand clapping. It doesn’t result in a sound.

Yes, you do need to sort out your issues — an important one being why you stay with someone this emotionally unstable, another being why you are aggressive toward someone you love. But for the two of you to be happy together, he has to do his share of the work as well. You both need counseling. You also need couple counseling. If you love each other, you will each (both of you) do the work you need to do to learn how to trust and be worthy of trust; how to love and be loved without hurting each other.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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