Sometimes I feel extremely energetic and think I can do anything, other times I feel like I should just kill myself to save everyone the trouble of my existence. I feel like there is a voice in the back of my head, when I feel energized, it feels like it is screaming at me to kill something, anything. When I’m depressed, it feels like it is telling me to take as many people out when I kill myself. Whenever I look at other people, it just pisses me off, because they look like they don’t deserve the joy of life. They smile and laugh, and I feel like gutting them like a fish. Is this normal for a person my age?
Your emotions are strong and extreme. You vacillate between suicidal and homicidal ideation. Strong emotions can lead to dangerous behavior. The concern is that you might attempt to harm yourself or someone else.
You don’t have to feel this way. It is not normal for you or anyone else. You should feel happy and satisfied, accepting life’s problems without strong negative emotions. You don’t want to feel the way that you do, and you shouldn’t want to and you don’t have to. Counseling will help to alleviate the pain and help you handle the problems of life.
Those other people that you see looking happy, may not be happy. They are most likely just putting on their public face. They may have cancer or their child is dying or they are so lonely that they are crying inside but they put on their “public” face and hide their true feelings. It is common in counseling for people to think that they are the only ones suffering because everyone else just “seems” so happy. Believe me, virtually everyone has or has had painful events that have pierced their lives.
Your strong, negative emotions are not healthy for anyone, at any age. They are indicative of someone who is feeling a great deal of anger, frustration, powerlessness and inability to express their emotions in a healthy way.
It’s important that you do not ignore this problem or believe that it will resolve itself. You recognize that a problem exists. The most responsible course of action is to consult a mental health professional who can assist you in determining what might be wrong but more importantly, to learn how to manage these strong emotions. Medication might also help you to stabilize your mood. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle