Home Depression Close To My Breaking Point

Close To My Breaking Point

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello my name is Rikki and I’m 14 years old. I’m really not sure what to write in this whole thing and its kind of hard to pick a point at where to start, but I’ll try my best.

I’m not the type to open up to people unless I know they will listen and won’t act like they don’t care. I’m usually the one to try to help everyone else and be there for everyone. Since I hate to tell my problems to people since I only feel I’m being a burden.

I grew up without a father and my one brother was very verbally and psychically abuse. He even ended up breaking my finger when I was eight and would use to take a knife out and tell me we was going to kill me. What hurts the most is just having my mother doing nothing and acting like everything is okay and normal.
I switched schools in October and its a cyber/charter school. This was the third year in a row where I went yet again to a new school. When 2010 started I ended up being in a middle of a all out war at my school who were against people and I had friends of both sides of the fight. This lasted up even until now. Where all it is people talking behind your back and trust being tested for friendships and all the friendships there are pretty much fake in my eyes.

As the beginning of 2009 I started having all these health problems and going to the doctors many times to tell you this or that and that I’m going to be okay. Over a year later my syndromes have gotten worse and yet my mother still acts that I’m fine. It seems like she in denial about that there is nothing wrong with me and she wants me to be perfectly healthy.

Now down to the many mental problems I may or may not have. I have tried to kill myself about two times already from a overdose on pills. Now I keep having these sudden urges of being getting angry at people for the littlest of things and just having to grab a knife or something and want to kill them. Of course my emotions are like a roller coaster and I have suicidal thought almost everyday and now there getting to the point where there becoming unbearable. I so see and hear things that aren’t there and yes I do have voices in my head sometimes either telling me to calm down or just to let loose in some way I guess. Also that there are all these different personalities to me and they come out at different times. It’s just my mind is a mess and I want it to turn it off sometimes from the overwhelming thoughts.
I have been to a therapist before about coming up in a few weeks a year. I only saw her for about three months before dropping her. I felt like I couldn’t tell my real problems to her and would just say the ones that were a problem or just a small problem. Each week I would tell her again and to me it felt like she was just hearing the same old stuff again and again. Then we got to the topic of my mother and how we always fight all the time. She became almost rude at that point and to me making me seem as if I was selfish by saying stuff like “Have you ever thought about your mother might be going through her own depression.” and “Give her a break.” I felt like she was making me sound like I was selfish because I am in a very vulnerable place and I’m super sensitive because I hate to show weakness to people and only show it to a few I feel at home with. Maybe I’m not tough enough to take to truth or whatever, but I feel that I really want is love and yet all I get is this form of hate in different ways.

Plus I’m growing apart with my friends at my old school and I pretty much have no friends at this point and I have no one to turn to. So thanks making the time to read this sob story and have a wonderful way.

Hello Rikki. I am sorry that you are experiencing so much distress. I believe you made the correct choice by writing a letter about your concerns.

My main concern about your situation is that you feel out of control. You have frightening thoughts about harming yourself and others. As time progresses, you feel less and less certain about your ability to control your actions. If you truly believe that you might harm yourself or someone else then you should immediately go to the hospital for an evaluation. The hospital can keep you safe. They can stabilize your symptoms and offer you treatment.

With regard to therapy, you tried it but it was unsuccessful. You and your therapist did not get along. You also did not trust her. These types of problems make it difficult for therapy to be successful.

I would strongly recommend finding another therapist. The best way to do this is to call at least five to 10 therapists and interview them over the phone. Ask them many questions such as: Can they help you? How? What would they suggest that you do? Would they be willing to see you and if so, how soon? Choose the therapist who makes you feel the most comfortable. Perhaps you could find a trusted adult to help you with this. It might feel a little overwhelming for you.

I would also recommend occasionally inviting your mother into your therapy sessions. It would be best if she had her own therapist but perhaps she could attend your appointments once a month for a family session. Her involvement is important because many of your problems involve your mother. You feel ignored by her, and so forth. Part of the problem may be miscommunication. Your mother may not know or understand how you feel and the same may be true for you. You or she may not be “on the same page.” You would be surprised at how many relationship problems are caused by simple miscommunication.

Life is difficult for you at this time but it can improve. Therapy is a good place to start. Finding a good therapist could make a major difference in your life. I hope you will not abandon the idea of therapy and are open to trying it again with a new therapist. I believe this is the best way to approach your problem. Here is a link to a directory where you can search for a therapist in your community. I wish you well. Take care. Thank you for your question.

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