Not sure whether to seek professional help. I’m a mess, I’m actually finding it difficult to talk to people, because I’m scared of how they’ll react. I’m scared of them thinking I’m a freak, or the polar opposite.. that I’m attention seeking or being dramatic.
I have a kind of imaginary ‘friend’. His name’s Red. He talks to me, but most of the time he tends to use other noises rather than talking. For example.. there’s a kind of tingly noise when we’re talking, and when he gets annoyed it’ll get really loud. (Sorry if that’s hard to understand.) He thinks I should kill myself, he’s really nice to me if I start talking about suicide. He also talks alot about sex.. sorry if this is too information but basically I was forced into sex when I was younger, and he tells me (in more vulgar words) that I should stop moaning about it. I’m painting him in a negative way, but he can be really nice to. When he’s in a good mood he’ll hold my hand and give me a cuddle.
When we talk it’s usually at night, and I feel like I’m a different person. I find it difficult to remember everything afterwards, as though I’d been really drunk or something. This worries me because last year, my night time persona kind of carried on in the day and I attempted suicide. I didn’t feel myself at all. In that ‘other’ persona, I think I might be a danger.
I know not all of this is linked to schizophrenia.. I’m not sure if I do have it, I have done the schizophrenia quiz on here and scored high. Even writing this… I’m terrified of how you’re going to react. If I’m a minute late for a class, I feel like running away rather than going in. I feel like everybody’s against me. I don’t blame them, I’m not a good person.. but I’m scared of what people are going to do. I don’t trust them. Red kind of encourages me to trust no one. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, if anything is wrong with me. If I’m being melodramatic. I’d really appreciate your opinion..?
Your symptoms are concerning. “Red” has directed you to commit suicide and you have engaged in suicidal behavior without realizing it. Those may be symptoms of schizophrenia but they may not be. It is difficult to determine from a short letter.
Another possibility is disassociative identity disorder (DID). DID was formerly called multiple personality disorder. Some of your symptoms are consistent with the latter disorder including: “feeling like a different person,” loss of memory, the description of having an “nighttime personality” and “not feeling like yourself” for extended periods of time. DID is a rare disorder and only a trained professional could determine if you have this disorder.
No one should ignore the hearing of voices, when the source of those voices is not physically present in the world. Your experiences should be brought to the attention of a therapist and that is most especially true since “Red” has directed and encouraged you to hurt yourself. No person or thing that encourages you to hurt yourself is good in any way. You should immediately seek help from a professional. If before your appointment you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, you should drive to the nearest hospital, a place of safety, where you will be protected.
Yes, you should seek help. You are not being “melodramatic.” You have a problem that requires professional assistance. Therapists are trained to help; that is their job. They are familiar with the inner workings of the human mind. They recognize the many problems that can befall each and every one of us. They will not judge you negatively. They only want to help. I hope you are able to receive the help that you desire. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle