I don’t know who I am or whether I’m still depressed. I have been depressed before. In fact, I had the worst episode of it about a year ago. I couldn’t get up, I wanted to stop existing, I didn’t even WANT to get out of bed. The usual symptoms.
I’ve always been like that, cloudy and blue. Then I got out of an abusive friendship and was really torn up over that for 5 months, crying, distracting myself, writing self threatening poetry.
Now that’s over and I fought my way through. Since then I don’t really.. Feel anything? I’m not sad, definitely. I decided to be happy, but I don’t know that I am. I don’t care about anything anymore. I sleep a lot, I severely undereat, and once an honor roll student, I am academically unmotivated now.
I have spells of existential crises and that might be it. I think a lot,”Why does anything matter?” I feel almost trapped sometimes, like Im supposed to bs a doctor when I grow up, but maybe I want to be a poetess or especially something in psychology. But I think I’m going to just be whatever my parents tell me to be. I let them tell me how to feel anyway. Why not?
I sleep 12 hours at a time, often pulling all nighters. When I don’t, I wake up at 3 pm and maybe eat one thing, not even a full meal. Im not sad, just very unmotivated. I’m a cynical and negative person.
It seems like the only emotion that I do feel is anger. I am irritable and easily pissed off. I harbor resentment and find myself snapping at people.
My friend recently told me I was unfulfilled because I’m not passionate. I don’t live, I just exist. And when school comes back, I’ll just keep existing, doing schoolwork I disdain, going to a college too smart for me so I can become a doctor.
Im cowardly and passive and pathetic and lazy. Is my apathy the newest of my emotional phases in depression?
I appreciate you asking your question. It sounds like it has been an uphill struggle for a while. There are two things I think might help. First, I would get a complete medical exam. Please don’t under estimate this. Many symptoms of depression are the result of medical rather than psychological conditions. I think this is the first step in trying to sort this through.
Since you are in college I would highly recommend you talk to the people at the counseling center. They have seen many other young people come through college and are likely to have some concrete suggestions to help you feel better. When you do meet with them I would ask them if you could join a therapy group. Powerful thing about group therapy is that you can’t hide. Your encounter with each person in the group will help you figure out who you are, and who you want to become, Rather quickly.
Wishing you patience and peace,