I’ve been on antidepressants since I was six, and now I’m 15. Everything’s confusing me, and I don’t feel like I’m worthy of the title of depressed because I’m not showing things outwardly, except I’m starting to and I don’t know if it’s because I want attention or for some other reason. I always want attention from adults – I want them to listen to me without being paid, and I want them to at least act like they care. I know that I’m depressed, but my school counselor is all too eager to report anything I say to my mother (I’m not interested in self-harm but she thinks I am) and my therapist isn’t too helpful. My mom and twin brother are both depressed as well, and my mom tells me that I weigh too much, that I’m depressed because I watch crime shows, and that all my problems are insignificant compared to hers. My brother is skipping school, on the path to failing the tenth grade just like he failed ninth grade, and I’m scared my dad will sue for custody if my brother fails tenth grade. I don’t like to use official words (depression, abuse, anxiety, disorder, etc) because I’m scared that I’m not worthy of them, I almost feel like they’re titles that I don’t deserve because I don’t act the right way. I spend most of my time in school trying to keep from attacking people, because I honestly don’t know if I would or not if I had the chance. I try to keep my grades up, but everything is falling apart around me and nobody seems to care. Or maybe they do and just don’t know how to deal with me, I’m not sure. They laugh when I try to do things to distract myself, because I don’t want to be in my own head. They laugh that I spend my time searching up universities in other countries because I want to get far, far away from here. Even the school counselor laughs at me, and I feel like I’m not worth saying that I have problems. What am I supposed to do with my depression and why is everything suddenly getting so much worse? (Past four months).
I deeply admire your resilience encouraged dealing with all this. It sounds like you need a safe place and supportive people around you. I am encouraging you to be part of creating that safe space. I would start with the school counselor. I would be very direct with him or her and let them know that you don’t feel supported enough by them. This is important. Speaking up for what you need is going to be an invaluable skill for you now, and as you move forward.
I would also encourage you to contact the local mental health center to get counseling for yourself. This way you can have access to a therapist of your own outside the school setting.
Wishing you patience and peace,