I’m 18 years old. I believe in taking care of my body. I workout, have a balanced diet and great skin. I don’t smoke and I don’t take drugs. I strive for perfection in everything i do, which i obviously always end up with. I have a family that loves me.
I love me and my body over everything, people often ask me if i have a god complex. “No”, i reply. It feels like I’m meant for something great. But behind my exterior of perfection I feel a lot of hate and anger over those who don’t agree with me, those who are fat, those who doesn’t look good, those who doesn’t take care of their body, those who don’t care how they look and so on. I feel A LOT of hate against them. I while ago i saw the movie “American Psycho”. I recognized myself in him, though he actually killed people which i have never done and will never do. It seems like we share the same feelings. I have been seeing a lot of psychologists but it doesn’t seem to help at all. The reason i write to you is because of this: I now feel hate towards my friends that I’ve loved all my life. This disturbs me. I want this to end before it gets out of control. Thanks beforehand.
You said that you strive for perfection “which I obviously end up with.” Perhaps you were trying to communicate your desire for perfection but did not mean to imply that you had achieved it.
Striving for perfection is a worthy and admirable goal but no one is perfect. In fact, nothing in life is perfect. There is no perfect science, no perfect experiment, no perfect painting, no perfect body, and so forth. To believe that you are perfect, or that anything or anyone else is perfect, is a matter of opinion and not a matter of fact.
You feel anger and hate toward your family and friends without any reason for those feelings. You should feel love and admiration for those you care about, not hate. Feelings of hate are a problem and they are abnormal.
Christian Bale’s character committed heinous acts of murder. The fact that you identified with a murderous character is unusual. The movie character’s personality could be described as psychopathic. Psychopathic individuals are characteristically shallow, superficial, grandiose, are unable to feel empathy and have little to no regard for others. Those are not the traits of a psychologically healthy individual.
You asked for advice about how to handle this situation before “it gets out of control.” It is good that you recognize this as a problem and want to correct it. Seeking professional help is the proper way to address this situation. Ignoring the problem would be irresponsible, especially in light of your concern that this problem has the potential to become “out of control.”
You have been to “a lot of psychologists” but I would encourage you to continue to search for a therapist who can assist you. It is not uncommon to have to try many therapists to find one who can truly help. Giving up your search now would be premature, inadvisable and out of sync with your desire to strive for perfection. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle