I think I have mental problems but not sure
I’m not sure where to start. Since ever I was a kid I always felt that my mother favored my other two sisters and I believe that those feelings caused me to gain weight which caused me so many problems in my life. I always feeling insecure and I’m not confident. I felt like my mother was always making fun of me for being fat and so did everyone I knew. My father never played a big role in my life as a child he didn’t live with us but I knew that my parents had problems and they fought all the time. When I was 14 we moved to the United States and everything got worse for me. I continued to feel insecure and gained a lot of weight. My parents fought all the time. Throughout high school I was depressed. I found it hard to make friends. I still don’t have any friends. I saw a therapist a couple of times prescribed antidepressants but I didn’t take them. My relationship with my family was terrible they all hated me. I never liked anything that my mother said and I get extremely angry and yell and throw anything that falls between my hands. I have had thoughts of suicide but I never actually tried to kill myself. I blame my mother for my current mental state. Outside of my house I’m a very nice person, probably the nicest person you could ever meet but inside the house I can’t even recognize myself. During the summer I always go to my home country and I feel great but as soon as I come back here I’m depressed and everything is annoying. My father passed away last year and we had a fight right before he died and I feel guilty that I didn’t get a chance to say sorry. I cope with my problems with eating. I feel alone, no friends and especially no family to turn to. Help me please.
You have already shown a tremendous amount of insight and resilience in coping with your family. It sounds like it may be time, at 21, to begin working on your independence and individuation.
It sounds like you need a plan to develop your identity away from your family. My encouragement is to connect with a therapist that can help you decide what direction you want to go in. (The find help tab at the top will guide you.) It may also be time to get reevaluated for medicine. The antidepressants may be helpful in breaking the cycle of anger and helplessness, and the therapy may be a way to gain some support in bringing the changes you want into your life.
Wishing you patience and peace,