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Do I Really Want to Know?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I recently found out that my boyfriend of almost a year cheated on me. It was premediated and he says it only happened once. I had a mental breakdown and had to be put on medication (Effexor) to cope with it. I do not want him in my life and did not continue the relationship. I am moving on slowly and it has been quite difficult. I am suffering with obsessive thoughts about how many other women there were during the course of our relationship, while he says none, I am skeptical and question anything he ever told me. I want to ask him how many others? But I am guessing it is counter productive or is it? Should I just move on and if so how do I stop obsessing about knowing this? Or would knowing enable me to move on further?

It seems counterproductive for several reasons. The main reason is because of your obsessive thoughts. Obsession is never a good thing. Attempting to determine if there were any other women would be essentially giving into your obsession. I would advise against it.

Second, there’s no reason to believe that he will tell you the truth. No matter what he says, then you may not believe him and really, why should you? He has already proven himself to be someone who can and will lie to you. There is no doubt that he is a proven liar. You will never know the truth and knowing the truth cannot possibly help you. You already know enough of the truth to know that you do not want a liar and a cheat for a boyfriend.

Finally, it doesn’t matter anymore. You ended the relationship and it’s over. If you’re no longer interested in pursuing the relationship, then it’s time to move on.

Do your best to move on with your life. You were together for a time but it didn’t work out. Many relationships don’t last. That is the nature of dating. You should keep searching until you find the best match. At this point, you are wasting a great deal of time and energy focused on a relationship that’s already proven to the wrong one. Realize that it no longer matters and your time and energy is better spent on searching for a new relationship.

If you continue to struggle with this issue, then you should seek counseling. A therapist could assist you in dealing with your obsession and the moving on with your life. I would highly recommend it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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