I see a therapist at CAMHS under NHS for depression and Social Anxiety, I’m on Anti-depressants (fluoxetine) and take two 20mg tablets a day but they don’t do anything.
Basically I constantly feel like killing myself and I regularly plan how I’m going to do it. I can’t stop feeling like I want to die and shouldn’t be here and I also think everyone else hates me too.
Therapy isn’t doing anything because I find it so damn hard to speak and say I don’t know to every question because its too hard and triggers anxiety. I feel like I annoy my therapist and I think she hates me and cant wait to get rid of me but I like her. I have one friend which I haven’t spoken to in a while and I always feel like she hates me — we don’t speak much and I think she wants me dead — Basically I have no friends and its pretty much social isolation.
I hate my life and I want it to be over. I feel everyone else wants that too, even those who don’t know me well. I’m bad at everything and nothing is ever going to get better. But, if I kill myself would it ruin my therapists career?? Because she hadn’t stopped me etc, I read somewhere else that it would and I don’t want that.
Also I feel way too guilty about everything like if i kill myself then that will suck for my parents.. but I’m not scared to do it — I want to do it. Ive overdosed a few times in the past but the outcomes wernt that fatal. I feel alone like I have no one…because I don’t. Sorry this probably makes no sense I’m an idiot :/
First and foremost, it’s important that you know you’re not an “idiot.” Your letter makes perfect sense. You expressed your frustrations and struggles. I’m sorry that you are having these difficulties.
The problem with counseling might be that you are reluctant to say how you really feel. When clients withhold information in counseling, it is difficult for a therapist to be helpful. Clients withhold information for many reasons, commonly because they fear that the therapist will think negatively about them. Your unwillingness to be forthcoming will prolong your suffering therefore it’s in your best interest to talk about your true feelings.
Saying you want to die and that you hate your life are signs of someone who is suffering and who needs and wants help. Therapists train for many years so that they can help people with the very issues that you are facing. You might be feeling alone because you haven’t been open and sharing with your therapist. Try your hardest to tell your therapist what’s bothering you even if it’s difficult to vocalize. If the idea of vocalizing your feelings is too hard, then bring this letter to your therapist. It might be the start of a much-needed dialogue.
It’s important to realize that many people have felt the way you now do and that they have been helped by therapy. Life can be difficult but it does get better when you fully utilize the help that is available to you. Keeping things from your therapist and hiding your feelings, are ways of not fully utilizing your therapist. I hope that you will consider my advice. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle