You’ve probably seen this before, but not in this way, maybe. I’ve always tried to be an extrovert, despite my agoraphobia, I try my best. I’m nice to most people, I write comedic songs, I perform these things and I try to like everyone, but I have this problem. I keep wanting to kill random people, doesn’t have to be out of anger, but even self defense. I want to kill someone I’ve never met and it doesn’t make sense to me, I actually find myself plotting these things until I snap out of my daydreaming, kind of scares me. I’ve had a relatively good life, despite my mother not being around and my dad becoming distant, my grandparents were great parents. I feel like I could just kill someone without blinking an eye. I realize it’s a bad thing to do, I know it’s a horrible crime, but I don’t really care. Maybe the fact that I’m reaching out means I do care, but I’m still not sure. I think I’m more afraid of getting into trouble with the law more than I am of taking a life. I know I’m not crazy, because I’m way to rational about it. Please understand that I’m probably not going to murder anyone, but if I could get away with it, I probably would. I don’t think there is a problem, but if you see one, could you let me know?
Contemplating murder would suggest that there is a problem. Most commonly, these fantasies occur when an individual is suffering and lacks effective coping skills to help them deal with their emotional pain. They might want to seek revenge upon those who they believe should be helping them and that would include the public at large.
Another common reason for homicidal ideation may be that an individual’s life isn’t going how they planned or how they think it should be going. They tend to blame other people for their problems and what to see those people suffer.
You mentioned having agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which people feel immense fear just thinking about interacting with people and or leaving their comfort zones. Your desire to harm others might be an expression of your frustration with your inability to overcome agoraphobia. If you lack control over your life, you might be fantasizing about having ultimate control over someone else’s life. Think of it as psychological compensation.
Knowing why you feel this way might be less important than developing a plan for how to cure your agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is highly treatable with medication and/or counseling. You should not hesitate to see a therapist. If you’re willing to participate in treatment and are working with a competent therapist, you should expect a positive outcome. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle