Now I’m in a relationship for almost 4 years with a 25 year old. The first 2 years we had a long distance relationship but now we mostly live together. Now besides all my personal problems I have also relationship issues. I am terribly afraid of penetrative sex and already have been trying for 2 years or more to do something, but without any results. Only once we got farther than usual and I felt a little pain. I even went to a psychologist but it didn’t help much. Though we have intimacy and I understand that I shouldn’t have such irrational fear I just can’t handle myself, it’s like my brain turns off when he just approaches me and I tense up, can’t relax, try to keep distance and begin to tremble, breathe faster.
My BF is angry at me that I can’t provide him with sex, and remands me all the time that he wants it and it stresses me more than I am and I feel guilty and worthless. It’s my first relationship and I’m a virgin. I don’t want to hurt him but I also feel hurt by him. He gets angry at me and says bad things and call me bad names… but he says that I am guilty because I did something wrong and provoked him. And when I start to cry then he just gets more angry at me and tells me to stop without any drop of affection. It just feel like there are two different persons, one very kind and one bad, and it just can’t get along in my head… Now we do not say to each other i love you anymore. I asked him why he stays with me and he said that he doesn’t know and that he doesn’t see anything good from me. He says i am stupid, weak and childish, and that I can’t do anything on my own. Though he may be right to some degree, it just makes my self esteem lower and lower and I feel alone with my problems… I can’t tell him all I feel because he gets angry and tells me it’s only me and it’s stupid. So can other problems be from lack of sex? Should I go to another psychologist, or therapist or psychiatrist? Or could I try self help? Can this relationship be fixed?
You mentioned having previously consulted a psychologist for these problems. Was he or she a sex therapist? If not, consult a sex therapist. They have specialized training in dealing with sexual health problems. Any other problems would be addressed by a different type of therapist.
I’m wondering if you have been evaluated by a gynecologist for potential medical problems. A gynecologist could rule out any medical problems that could be contributing to your sexual problems.
Your boyfriend might be understandably concerned about your sexual intimacy issues but his name-calling is abusive. You asked whether this relationship can be fixed — Maybe, with counseling, but only if both of you are willing to make the necessary corrections to improve the relationship.
To answer your questions directly, yes, you should consult another therapist. This time, choose a sex therapist. A psychiatrist may not be necessary in this case unless your therapist believes otherwise. I would advise against self-help; your problems seem complicated and would best be addressed by a professional.
If your boyfriend is unwilling to enter counseling or if he continues to engage in abusive behavior, then your relationship might not be salvageable. Your therapist can help you to determine if this relationship can be improved. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle