I have felt lonely just about all of my life. I thought I dealt with it when I became a christian, letting God help me. Ive come to realize that I need physical assurances and touches. I have three grown children who are struggling to make it on their own,and a grandchild, who in my opinion isnt being loved as I think she should be. I have but two friends, one is my roommate and the other is one that we both see for dinner in such. I am desparately wanting a closer relationship with my children, but my son who is the closest in proximity works alot and the girls are a good drive away, and honestly none of them seem too interested. I have been divorced for 11 years and I really don’t know who I am since I no longer am a hands on mother. I struggle with the issues of being gay, but being a christian, I feel it is a sin and therefore, I don’t live the lifestyle. When I first divorced, however, I had a short lesbian relationship with my current roommate, but she also is a christian and believes it was wrong, so we no longer have that kind of relationship. I am lonely, confused and miserable. I am desparately trying to hang on.
It sounds to me like you are living in a situation where you are under constant tension between your idea of Christian values and your attraction to your roommate. Not all Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. Perhaps you could find a church and minister in your area who could support your love. Take a look at the website for GLBT Christians – http://whosoever.org. You and your roommate might also find the books on this website comforting.
I wonder if you have had a frank conversation with your adult kids about your desire to be closer to them. Hints about such things often don’t get the message across when adults are busy with jobs, kids, household tasks and trying to have a social life. They may well miss you as much as you miss them but they may be overwhelmed with the demands on their own lives. Perhaps they’d be willing to schedule in a visit every 6 or 8 weeks. If you knew a visit was coming up, you wouldn’t always be waiting with hat in hand, hoping someone will call.
At the same time: You need a more active social life. It’s time for you to get out of yourself and start doing things where you will meet others who share your interests. You are very young to be putting yourself on a shelf. Find a charity or political cause and get behind it. Or join a class, a book club, or an organization where you’ll meet others who are expanding their world. While you’re at it, consider joining a gym or a yoga class to help you stretch your body. Natural endorphins will help you feel better in general.
I wish you well.