My Fiancé changes when we are around his family. He isn’t very nice to me, and he talks to me like I am “stupid.” He just does not give me the time of day. He won’t look at me when he tells me a story, I find out WAY more when he is talking to his mom about what he did this week, and when I ask, he barely says anything. His attitude is very negative towards me. I don’t understand why he is doing this. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says “I don’t know what you are talking about” — I will try to give him an example of something he said that isn’t nice, and he will just shrug his shoulders and says, I don’t know.
I think that since we are going to be a family in about 7 days, I should be able to talk to him wherever we are, and he treats me with the same respect he does when we are at home. I don’t understand. Please help. I don’t know how to talk to him (which he is VERY stubborn) and no matter how i bring up a subject, he will immediately get defensive and he will shut down. it is hard. I just need ways to communicate effectively, and help him understand he needs to respect me no matter who is around…including his best friend who he follows like a puppy…. ah!
Thank you for asking this question. It sounds like the culture of his family — meaning his family’s value system and manner of interacting with each other, over influences him when he’s back home. Do not tolerate this. Next time it happens interrupt him and say something about it so that he understands what is happening in the moment. I appreciate how difficult this is, and that it will be uncomfortable to do — but your job is to set the boundary about what is acceptable and what isn’t. It is not something he’ll be able to fully understand after-the-fact. You’ve tried this, and it doesn’t work. Tell him when he is doing it that you don’t like it, that it is rude, and that you don’t like how you feel when he does it. This is important for your future together. You need to have a voice and talk about what’s wrong the moment it happens.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
