For as long as I can remember I identified as male and had no issues with the biological body I had (I was ashamed of it a little bit because I wasn’t in great shape but I didn’t think that having a female body would make me more confident). I also had a history of obsessive thoughts about relationships and homosexuality (might have OCD) and my thought about being transsexual started the same way – I had a sexual fantasy where I was a woman and went «oh my god am I trans?».
But what I feel for a past couple of days looks like a gender dysphoria rather than OCD. Mainly my fantasies about being a woman are sexual but not 100%. I imagine myself having a female body, moving and acting like a woman and it feels so good. I feel like I want to have wide hips, breasts tiny little hands and beautiful legs of a girl rather than my male body. Those fantasies are so lucrative and pleasant its painful to wake up from them and realize that I am just a boring male.
I don’t feel anything towards my body, I don’t feel one with it, for me its just a functional shell, but I would really love my body and myself were I a female. I never thought about it before, but now that I do it’s so intense I feel like I need to act on it now. I reject my body so much I can’t function normally, I don’t want to get out of home etc. At the same time I think I have a male brain in terms of how I usually think and act, I am (or was, not sure anymore) comfortable with male pronouns, have male habits etc. I just wish I was born a beautiful girl with a female brain so I would have to go through trouble of transitioning, of being a female who strongly resembles male in terms of shape of body and face (don’t want to offend anyone but 98% of FTM’s still look like re-dressed males to me), to go through social troubles and most of all, rethinking my personal image of myself, learning to be female.
Feelings pass and diminish in intensity. They can be short lived and have limited meaning. Did you ever experience a very strong feeling and a short time later no longer feel that way? Feelings, especially intense ones, aren’t reliable enough to serve as the foundation for sound judgments. Time and logic provides the opportunity to form more accurate judgments.
It’s noteworthy that you have a history of obsessive thoughts which could indicate obsessive-compulsive disorder. Therefore, anxiety cannot be ruled out as the reason for your feelings. The nature of anxiety is irrational worry. Your intense feelings could be valid but just as easily could be invalid. Emotions are worthy of exploration but not necessarily action.
It’s normal and healthy to explore questions of sexuality. You are getting to know yourself and thinking about what your preferences are, and so forth. These are normal emotional experiences but when it comes to major life decisions, you must be cautious. There are consequences for being wrong including unnecessary suffering. One should avoid such an outcome whenever possible. Counseling will help you to sort through your feelings and to understand them more thoroughly. I hope you will consider it. If so, choose a therapist who specializes in obsessive-compulsive disorder and gender and sexuality issues. They would be in the best position to help you. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle