Hi. I asked a question on here before and was asked to think about letting her know how i was doing. My previous question was: Why Do I Talk Like a Baby To Husband?
I went to my evaluation. I was SO Scared and Nervous i can barely remember it but the woman was very nice. We addressed my two biggest issues which were my depression and anxiety. I have been taking Lexapro since then so it’s been about 8 months i do believe. I find that it had a great help on the depression. Its so much more manageable now. The anxiety was still bad so we upped the dosage like 4 months ago. I still find my anxiety to be very bad. I bit my nails and skin until they bleed. I also pick at my toe nails and skin on my lip until it bleeds. Lexapro dosage doesn’t go much higher. I take 20 mg now. Should i ask for a higher dose?
Also about my talking to my husband like a baby. It has because much less of a problem. i still do it and yes i do remember doing it although when im doing to i don’t always realize Ive started. It’s hard to explain. I feel as if i regress a lot to a childlike state if you will. I hope this makes sense? I don’t know if there is a “inner child” that i havent “come to terms with” but that is what it feels like. I do have a very poor memory. i have had an experience when i was a bit younger maybe 13 that i never forgot when i was in the car with a few older women “a girls outing” and we got to a house. Which from my memory we had just left from and i didn’t understand why were back or how i got there. And she said we got half way back and had forgotten something. I would say i was just daydreaming but it was like a jolt when we got back in the driveway. Like i “came back” and didn’t understand what was going on. Im dissociated from my surroundings ALL THE TIME. like i don’t feel real. When i tried to address this with my therapist. She said i was just very shy. I don’t understand that at all. i do trust what she says though. I just want to feel alive. Like in not on “auto-pilot” ALL THE TIME. I feel like an empty shell. it makes life so much less enjoyable especially because at one time i didn’t feel this way. Also is it possible to have to conscience existence at once? because i feel as if there are two of me there at the same time…one more so than others at times but i don’t forget what i do or anything. i know this must sound strange. im not sure what else i can put to help it make sense. plz let me know what you think or perhaps what i can say to my therapist. I never seem to get to these deep issues like i should when im there because im so scared/nervous.
Thank you for writing back to let me know how you are doing. I appreciate your follow-up.
It seems that your situation has improved. You said that you are taking medication that has made the depression and anxiety easier to deal with. But despite the improvement you still experience some anxiety symptoms. You mentioned that you bite your nails and skin until they bleed.
It’s great that you found a therapist you like. It is important that you connect with someone who you feel comfortable with. It seems as if you may have found someone who is helpful.
There is one aspect of your therapy situation, however, that is concerning. You mentioned that when you discussed the fact that you dissociate with your therapist she chalked it up to being shy. Without knowing more details about your life and history I cannot know definitively if her opinion is correct. But given the information that you have provided in your letters, I think she may be wrong if she attributes your dissociation to shyness.
You talked about feeling that you are on “auto pilot” all of the time. You said you feel that there are two of you. You wrote that when you do talk to your husband “like a child” that you don’t forget the entire event but you can’t remember how the talking started. You also have major gaps in your memory, a history of trauma and dissociation as a young girl.
As I mentioned in my last response, the dissociation may be a sign of dissociative identity disorder (DID). You may not have DID but some of the symptoms you mentioned are consistent with the disorder.
Your therapist may have attributed your behavior to shyness because she is not familiar with DID or not trained to work specifically with individuals who have DID. DID is a misunderstood and complex disorder and not many therapists are specifically trained to help DID sufferers.
Alternatively, it could be that your therapist thinks you’re shy because you have not told her the details regarding your dissociation. You did say that you’re frightened of “deep issues.” It’s possible she doesn’t know about all of your symptoms because you have withheld information from her due to fear.
As I wrote above, you may not have DID and you might not be dissociating when you’re on “auto pilot” or when talking to your husband “like a child.” I cannot know what you’re diagnosis is for certain unless I evaluated you myself. Your symptoms are consistent with dissociation and DID and thus may require working with a therapist who is knowledgeable regarding those issues.
Lastly, you like your therapist and that is good but she needs to know the full truth about your symptoms. That is the only way she can effectively help you. If you are honest with her about all of your symptoms and she still thinks your shy then you may need a new therapist. I know you are frightened to delve into deep issues but your therapist cannot help you fully if you withhold the truth from her. It is imperative that you’re honest with her.
If you’re willing, please keep me updated on how you are doing. Thanks again for writing back.