Home Depression For Years I Know Something Has Not Been Right

For Years I Know Something Has Not Been Right

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I really don’t want to feel this way and i have tried over and over again to change it, but it’s like nothing is going through my mind like whatever i tell it, it just doesn’t want to listen i try to force myself many times to do stuff but it’s like it doesn’t want to do anything i already know everything others are telling me but my mind is just ignoring everything like shutting itself away, like i am a walking corpse. To be more blunt i feel like inside i am dying and i just can’t seem to revive it and people keep telling me i am lazy and what not but i just can’t seem to do anything. I don’t know how to make it more clear for others to understand how i am feeling. I am just really tired of feeling this way. It has gotten to the point where if i continue like this, i am almost 100% certain i may really commit suicide.

I just don’t know how to feel or live my life. I am just constantly in a circle feeling lost about every aspect in life. I just don’t see anything bright in my life anymore. I just don’t enjoy life as I used to and have lost my appetite for everything. I cannot eat as much as I used to, sleep as well anymore, now I just either sleep too much or not enough and still feel tired all the time. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything anymore even when I try to force myself to study for my exams I just cannot do it. I don’t usually reach out to people when I am depressed because I already know how they will react and what they will say and I really don’t want to hear it. I know they say things like yes life is tough, suck it up, or you’re being stupid or selfish and stop thinking about only yourself there are others out there that are going through a lot more than you. I just feel as if no matter how bad I am feeling if I ever go to someone about it, I will only be bothering them or annoying them. I just don’t see the use of life at all anymore.

I am not only just feeling lonely and depressed. I also feel very lost. About everything. I feel like i don’t know myself, I never know what i want, i am just always feeling lost. Just always feel empty. I don’t know what i should do, what i want to do anything like that. Like i know nothing at all about how to live my life and like i just have no idea about everything. It is as if i am in a constant loop of emptiness about everything.

When my mom was pregnant with me, it was horrible. When I was only 7 months in her womb, my mom fell very ill. She was in a lot of pain. She tried to tell my dad that she felt that she will go into labor soon, but my dad ignored her. She was in pain for days until my dad finally took her to the hospital. When I was born, I came out very blue, oxygen deprived. I was only 4oz in weight. I had to be kept in those glass boxes for 3 weeks after being born. I have always suffered with my health. I got sick frequently and always had to see the doctor. Both my parents became tired with me. My dad even told me I was just an annoying sick child he never wanted. They even used to tell me they regret having me in their life. My parents grew tired of it and used to often tell me I was nothing more than a burden to them. They told me that I was useless and hated me. In my mom’s case, she also said things like because of me always causing problems for her, she wanted to kill herself. It was hard and I cried often. I remembered hearing those words since I was 4 up until they both died. They treated my sister better. Now that I think about it, I think both my parents and even my sister, well the whole family was depressed. Including me. I think my whole family was never happy at all since forever. I don’t know why we all had to suffer so much. Why my family was targeted with all this sadness and overbearing pain.

I lost both parents when I was younger. My father died when I was 11 and my mom died when I was 13.
There was one time before my father died when I was 10 years old, I found my mom on the floor. She tried to kill herself. No one was home then. Only my mom and i. She went to the bathroom and I left her alone for only a few minutes and I found her that way. She was okay, no need for medical attention. No one else knew about it because she made me promise not to tell anyone. I was so scared then. It was after that incident when I really felt depressed and suicidal. After my dad died, my mom and i grew close. So close we became inseparable.

After my mom died was when things started to get really worse for me. After she died I started to cut myself. I even became addicted to taking pain killers. I always had frequent headaches since I was 6. After she died, I started to take 5 at a time up to 12 at a time. The most I have taken at once was 20 or so. That’s how I ended up in the hospital. After that incident, I started to see a psychologist.

I saw a psychologist from when I was 15 until I was 17. I moved from the Caribbean to the Netherlands in july 2009 to study. So i stopped seeing the psychologist and since i have been here i realized i have gotten worse. I have friends and relatives here, but i don’t know why i am still feeling this way. Please help me, I am scared for my safety if i continue this way. I have recently talked with my school counselor and she has then directed me to a psychologist. The psychologist then directed me to the psychology institution and I have to wait a while before i hear from them. It is scaring me how serious this seems. Do i have a mental illness? I am so scared.

I am very sorry that you are in such pain. You are doing exactly the right thing. You do need to see a local psychologist to help you get back on the path to health. What you are describing is consistent with the feelings people report when they are very depressed. In addition, you may well be suffering from the trauma of finding your mother after a suicide attempt, the unresolved grief about both parents’ deaths, and the loss of childhood you should have had but didn’t get. The cumulative effect would make it hard for anyone to cope.

Please don’t worry about a label. “Mental Illness” is only that. What matters is that you are hurting. You are clearly smart, articulate and self-aware — which makes you a very promising candidate for therapy. Therapy can help you come to terms with your losses and start to build a much happier and satisfying future. Be a good advocate for yourself. If the wait is too long, call them back and let them know just how seriously distressed you are. Sometimes it takes some persistence to get what we need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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