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Friend betrayed me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. Hey, I am 19 & Im writing to you cos I think im losing a really close friend, perhaps my only friend worth having & I don’t want that. Weve been friends for over a year now & shes always been there for me through all the tough times in my life. Earlier this year I had to drop out of college (we live in the UK) because I had loads of health problems & she helped me through all of it. when I first met her I told her I liked her & she told me quite plainly that she doesn’t see me like that & just wants to be friends. I thought id messed up our friendship but I didn’t..

Anyways… this past month or so all she seems to have been doing is having a go at me! Ive just split up from the love of my life, I knew I should be with her from the first time I met her. I was her first boyfriend & the first guy she slept with so I knew it’d be special & she’d never leave me. I got her everything, bought her everything & she treated me the same as I treated her, which was weird for me cos all of my ex’s never did! Through this time I didn’t really keep in contact with my friend, but she had her boyfriend n I had my girlfriend. Then about a month ago she split up with me sayin I needed space. I rang my friend n she said shed get through when she could (she lives like an hours drive away) but she took like 3 hours! So I started drinking n managed to drink ¾ bottle of whiskey. When she got here she didn’t even explain why she was late! I just wanted to talk about my girlfriend but she kept sayin “lets go for a drive” or “lets play on your xbox” that got me really annoyed! She went home & I text my girlfriend apologisin for how I behaved n I emailed her & rang her but she never answered. I did this everyday until once day she finally got back in touch sayin “give me some space”. Which is what my friend told me to do.

This is the girl of my dreams! I can’t just leave her alone, I need to show her how much I love her! Anyway, I saw her walking hand in hand with another guy yesterday so I text my friend at night telling her I couldn’t cope! After that she started getting nasty with me. She told me not to get my hopes up n that im just gonna have to accept it, that love doesn’t happen overnight, that im obsessing over it, she said that 3 months is nothing in a relationship, that im acting like the only one to ever have their heartbroken. She said shes tried helping me, but she hasn’t I don’t feel any better. Shes bein selfish! She said she can’t cope with my problems at the minute, givin me some story about her having to go see a therapist for “bipolar disorder” & “borderline personality disorder”. Then after she would answer me her boyfriend started replying to me textin her! Sayin shes too upset — I mean who the hell does he think he is? He told me im pathetic n not to bother her until I start seein sense! I used to think he was an alright guy for her til then!

I don’t want to lose her as a friend cos shes always been there but after that she doesn’t understand how I feel. She says she been there with her ex, she was with him 3 years, but that’s nothing compared to how I feel.

I am not sure if you’re writing because of the loss of your friend, with whom you talked to about your ex-girlfriend, or if you are writing because of losing your ex.

Whether is it your friend or your ex, you cannot force yourself on anyone. If they do not want to be friends, you have to respect their wishes. Anything else would be wrong.

With regard to your friend, maybe she feels she has given you all of the advice that she can and feels that she has no more to give you. Maybe she did not like your reaction to her advice and feels that her advice is of no real help to you, and wants to stop playing this role in the friendship. Perhaps she is having trouble of her own in her personal life, as she indicated, and having to deal with your problems, in addition to hers, is too much. Lastly, it is possible that her boyfriend is the one having the problem with you and he may have asked her to stop spending so much time with you. There are several possibilities here, maybe some that I did not mention but the fact is she currently does not wish to speak to you.

You could ask her in a letter why she wanted to stop this relationship. But it seems that the best thing to do now is to give her some space and wait to see if she calls you in the future. I know this is the difficult thing to do but it is the only right thing to do. Take care.

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