I don’t know what to say or where to begin, it’s a long story of my everyday life. I think it starts with my family (either neglect or siblings abusing emotionally and physically.
I’ve never been the strong kind or the kind that did well with violence around, my heart would pound, I try to avoid it all, no matter how simple, I even got traumatized once ( I don’t know if its considered trauma but I’ve seen my siblings fight as a child and everything turned into slow-motion, then i fell on my knees and started crying), I love animals and would never hurt them (or at least I thought I wouldn’t), and here the real problem begins (the results I think of what I’ve lived as a child). as a teenager I felt really weak even my friends have noticed it, so I went to seek help (and not the good/real kind) I met someone from a website, I found out after awhile the bad things that he made me do that he’s a sadistic pathetic sociopath, he’s been using me for his pleasure with sadism (wanting me hurting him or others) I went really deep in this. I ended my life before it began. I did horrible things to try and help myself that I ended up worse. I try to make up for it but it can never be undone. some people I know know about it, and one may use it against me, I’m sick of myself and others and everything, everyday I lose interest, I used to be (and hope that still am) ambitious. but what can someone do with I past like that? I won’t be able to forget about it and move on (it worked for a while but that person who knows about me worries me a lot, I don’t want my life to end so bad, so pointless) I don’t know what to do, I’m not ready to meet a professional yet, especially that they have a bad reputation around here, I don’t wanna be used again, I wanna be left alone, but how can that happen?
I don’t know if I’m being dramatic, who would do such things with their brains in their heads? I seek redemption, I want freedom of what I’ve done, I want to away from everything and everyone from the past. (Saudi Arabia)
You need to forgive yourself for this. This was a time in your life that you were looking for some comfort and you were young. This happened to you — you didn’t seek it out. I highly recommend working on self-forgiveness. Here is a link to a wonderful article here on LifeHelper by one of our bloggers on how this process works.
Wishing you patience and peace,