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Hating Everything

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hating everything…I want to die. I don’t want to live anymore. Life means nothing to me. What’s the point of living? Am I okay? I’ve been crying for the past few days (I think) but it probably has been for over a year or so by now. No one understands me. My family doesn’t even try to. They just think I’m crazy or something when I break down and cry. They don’t even support. They just started screaming at me and calling me names. With a family like this, why should I even try to live on?

My grandmother passed away more than 5 years ago and I can’t even get over her loss. At first, I was too to shock to react to the situation. Not until a year later, I started having emotional problems. My best friend thinks, that I’m just going through something that everyone else does and it’s not a big deal. But I think it is. When I was a year old my brother was born and therefore my parents provided a lot of care and attention to him, whereas they left me in the care of my grandmother although we all live in the same household. Since then I’ve been with her, and as result I have the lack of parental affection. I became so attach to my grandmother, I start considering her as my own mother. Up until the age of 9, she was long gone and then I finally get to spend time with the family. It’s all to awkward and they seem nothing but total strangers to me. How can they just leave me like that and then come back. That doesn’t make up the time that have been loss between those gaps I have in my life. No one seems to care about it anymore and I soon began to realize I’m nothing but useless.

I always get into an argument with them and we never quite get along. Maybe sometimes but most of the time it’s outrages. My mom even mentioned that she wanted to kill me, how much she wanted to kill me, and that if she were to knew how I was going to grow up, she would’ve aborted me long ago. Does that make me feel any better? of course not. My father on the other hand gets angry for the little things. If I just leave the computer on and lighting in my room for just a little while and left to the other room, he’ll just scream at me and get mad at it. He would hit me with his bare hands or with hanger. Is that discipline? or it’s just out of rage? Most of the time I feel like if it’s better off if I was dead. Hopefully less problems would rise upon my family. I doubt it they would care. What they’ll probably worry about is just how much the funeral would be and what not. On top of that I’ve been living in the same apartment for the rest of my life with 3 of my other siblings. Life is very hard on me. My parents for some strange reason think I’m going on some unhealthy diet. Yes I’m on a diet. I try to drink 8 hours of glass a day. Minimize the amount of red meat, and more white meat. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Is that even considered to be bad? They seem to hold me back from losing weight and they criticize me for being a fatbutt when I gain weight. I’ve even loss interest in losing weight. They claim that we don’t have the money right now. Are we that poor that we can’t even afford to buy fruits and vegetables? Everything I do seems to be bad to their eyes. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. But if it helps, I’ll rather die than live in a pitiful life. I’ve even started taking 2 pills of advil 2-3 times in a day. Am I going crazy? Do I need help? Sorry for being so long.

There’s just such a huge amount of stress I have that I can’t even remember. Thank you for your time. Hopefully I still be alive if not dead.

You’ve experienced very difficult life circumstances. You have lost your grandmother who you’ve considered a mother. Fundamentally, she raised you. When she died it devastated you. Your parents have said and done hurtful things to you. They have harmed you both physically and emotionally. Undoubtedly, you’ve been through a lot.

You need to realize that your family would not be “better off without you.” I think sometimes people, teenagers especially, feel as though death is the only answer. Perhaps it’s a way to “pay back” those who they perceived have harmed them. The thinking is: “since they hurt me, they will feel terribly guilty knowing their actions caused me to kill myself.”

Perhaps there are others reasons. Individuals who conclude that death is the only answer to their problems are probably not aware of alternative methods of stress or emotional pain relief. They simply do not know another solution. There are many psychologically healthy ways to deal with pain and stress that don’t involve self-harm or ending your life but if an individual never learned these skills, then they simply don’t know any other way.

Learning new and better coping skills is possible for you but it’s going to take action on your part. It requires that you speak to an adult, whether it’s your parents or another trusted adult, about the fact that you need help.

It’s also important to understand that many teenagers feel the same way you do. This is not to discount your experiences or to say that your concerns are equal to those of anyone else. I only mention this because there are many teenagers who also feel they cannot connect with their parents. They also often feel nobody understands them and that their families would be better off without them. You are not alone in your pain.

Because you are having suicidal thoughts it’s imperative that you speak to a school counselor or another mental health professional as soon as possible. If those are not options for you please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 and speak to a counselor.

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