Well, I should begin by saying I grew up in a few broken homes and the stereotypical dysfunctional upbringing. Moving from school to school and really only having stability the first six years of my life. I use to be an outgoing kid, but in high school I started to get really nervous and quiet around people. I missed a lot of school to play video games or smoke dope(only because a girl I like did it). I started doing very impulsive things with my life(joining the army, getting married to someone I never met, randomly hooking up with many women in different sexual environments recklessly, having a kid with someone I didn’t know, etc).
Now to the issue. I’m at a point in my life, where I look in the mirror and hate the person staring back. I feel like an empty void, a shell of a human. I don’t get sad when people close to me die and I’ve really only felt jealously and rage when in a relationship. The only positive feelings I’ve had in a long time are that for my daughter. Even then sometimes I wonder if I love her as much as a normal person would. There are lots of things in my life that I’m capable of doing and want to do, but for some reason I just don’t. Some of these are easy task like going to the bank or to school. For some reason, most people I meet I find boring or annoy me. I try to stay friendly for society’s sake, but I don’t know if there is one person that I enjoy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want to get motivated and do what I need to give my child the life I never had, but all I can seem to do is play video games or exercise. Sometimes I think of my death and how blissful it would be, but I know I would never fulfill that fantasy because I love my child too much. I’ve went through life thinking I’ve had myself in control, but I can’t function correctly. I can’t sleep, I can’t feel anything, I make poor decisions financially, I use women although recently I’ve even grown tired of sex. I don’t know what to do.
When I was younger my mom took me to a therapist once and I found myself just manipulating the therapist to think how I wanted her to. There is probably more, but I’ve been losing my memory as of late.
I would recommend trying therapy again. Perhaps you were not ready for therapy then but are now. You are likely very different now than you were then. You may be more motivated. In the first therapy experience, your mother may have forced you to attend. In this case, you’d be going of your own volition. Your choosing to go and being motivated to go could make the difference this time. It is worth a try.
If you decide to pursue therapy, it is important that you find someone with whom you feel comfortable. How can you achieve this? I often recommend calling 5 to 10 therapists and discussing in detail what you would like help with. Ask direct questions such as:
- Have you helped others with similar problems?
- What were the outcomes of those cases?
- How would you help me?
Ask for specifics. If you speak to a therapist with whom you feel a connection, then the next step would be to meet with him or her in person. It may take time to find the “right” therapist but when you do, it could make a significant difference in your life.
If you are not interested in therapy (which I would advise), then you may want to read several self-help books that have helped many others. I would highly recommend two books in particular: M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled and Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning.
You should also consider being evaluated by a psychiatrist. You may benefit from medication. Medication may not “solve” your problems but it can help you to feel better and to temporarily eliminate the “void” that you feel. I wish you the best. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle