I am in College in my senior year and the last three semesters I have bombed. I can’t focus on anything I do. I fall way behind in school. I am always angry. I constantly seek out distractions just so I don’t have to deal with life. I play video games most of my waking hours. I hate everything about life and feel the world is about to end anyways. I hate myself and think myself to be ugly. I have thought about death a lot but because I believe in hell I think it would only get worse so I feel very trapped in a miserable existance. I can’t focus on anything and doing some of the most minor things requires a lot of effort for me. I feel numb inside sometimes and empty. The depression gets so bad it turns to physical pain like a knife in my heart and cold. I feel lonly but afraid of most people especially women and prefer to be by myself. I am 26 and never been in a relationship but as of lately I stopped caring. I was molested at a young age by several guys that I barly remember but enough to haunt me. I often feel like I am being laughed at by others around me. I feel I can’t go on any more. I feel drained all the time and kind of dead inside. My mother is a sever alcoholic who makes up a lot of stories that are not true and when I was younger tried to turn me against my father. She is a compulsive smoker who acts like she is always the victim and its everyone elses fault. I want help but have little money. I have talked to counsolers before but mostly they just say think positive which just makes me angrier. I have trouble keeping up with it and just fall into isolation over time. I feel overwhelemed with all kinds of problems but cannot get any real help. I can’t afford medicine and without any help it is very hard to live on my own. I tested for Asbergers which reveal that I probably have it but their is no kind of assistance for adults with this problem. I have been labled severe depression, sever emotionally disturbed, ADHD. I also sometimes but not as often any more feel like everything is going really fast and sounds appear to be fast forwarded only to have everything go really slow. This lasts for about 5 to 10 miniutes and then everything goes back to normal. I had a cutting problem for a while but have cut way back. I am sorry I am rambling with all this crap but I can’t seem to be able to turn anywhere. How can I get REAL help with all these issues. I only want to know where I can go or what I can do to help with all these issues.
It’s not rambling to try to lay out the issues you are struggling with. You certainly have a lot of challenges. I’d like to think that writing to us here at Psych Central means that you haven’t given up entirely. Obviously, an advice column can’t solve your problems but perhaps I can give you a little direction.
First — Please don’t give up on counselors. All therapists aren’t alike. It’s important to interview several in order to find someone you think can understand and help you. “Think positive thoughts” is not it. You probably need a combination of some medicine (at least for awhile to give you the energy you need to do therapeutic work) and talk therapy that helps you deal with the traumatic events of your past, your family, and your current difficulties. Real help is out there but you have to go find it.
Next: There are many therapists and clinics who offer a sliding fee scale and who accept health insurance. I did a web search of your city and mental health services and found several that look promising. I suggest you call around and see whether any have services you can afford.
And — If you do have Aspergers, there certainly is help for managing it. An excellent book on the subject is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Adult Asperger Syndrome by Valerie L. Gaus. When you call the various mental health clinics in your area, be sure to ask if there is anyone who specializes in adult Aspergers.
I do urge you to take charge of yourself and at least start getting the help you need while you are still in college. If possible, you want to have a handle on yourself before you start looking for a job. You are obviously a man who thinks in complicated ways and who will respond well to some good support and advice. Use your remaining semester to give yourself the jumpstart you need to make a good adult life for yourself.
I wish you well.