Home General Her fiance is her first child.

Her fiance is her first child.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years, when we first met I wasnt very attracted to him but he was very sweet and had the best personality 6 months went by and we had the best relationship ever he treated me very well and everything was perfect. 7 months into our relationship i found out I was pregnant and i was only 16 at the time and he was 19. Im very much anti abortion and always wanted to be a mom, just not as soon as it came. We both come from very supportive and financially stable families and bringing a baby into the world came about as easy as it could being as young as we were.

Throughout the pregnancy we had very few fights and our relationship stayed for the most part perfect. Towards the end of my pregnancy, though, i started noticing that he seemed a little more comfortable than he used to be taking things for granted and such. we started to argue a little more but nothing serious. Since he graduated from hs in 2005 he has been in and out of college.

Ever since i have known him he hasnt finished one year and skips around going through college spurts where he wants to go and then changes his mind. He’s always had his mom give him an unlimited amount of money so working has never been a big priority for him but during my pregnancy and after the birth of our son he promised to start going to school again and getting serious and although he had a past record that said against it i believed him.

School started for him a few weeks before our son was born and within the first month of his life, my fiance had already dropped out. So we got in a huge fight about him dropping out again. He had a job at the time so it was a little better but he soon quit his job and was both out of school and unemployed. we both still lived with our parents and everyone was still very supportive so although it didn’t change anything. It still meant alot to me that he wasnt getting his stuff together so that we could one day get married (we got engaged during pregnancy) and have a home.

Last fall we moved in together and he had got another job. We got in a huge fight in Jan. and he decided to again go to school. during our fight he asked for my support and i told him no that he would have to stay in school at least a month and i would believe that he was on the right track. He gave me a guilt trip and i gave in hoping he would straighten up. 5 days into school he dropped out and we were in the same situation. In late February he quit his job and now still doesnt have a job.

Ive slowly fallen out of love with him and i dont know what to do. We got into another huge fight and i broke up with him but we are still living tg so in a sense i feel he’s not really getting the big pic. of being without me. I really love and care about him and he’s a great dad Im just not in love with him and the thought of being without him doesnt make me sad at all. My only complex is my son not having a stable family and having to have step parents. I would love to be able to make this wk. but im afraid it might be to late. What should I do??? Please help

This must be so disappointing. You really thought this boy would man-up and he hasn’t. So now you have two children to worry about. No wonder your feelings have changed. The sad truth is that staying with your boyfriend will not give your son a stable family. Your boyfriend isn’t committed to growing up and sharing the responsibility of raising a son. He may love his son and be a great playmate but being a father involves much, much more. He’s not interested so it looks to me like you’re on your own. It’s time for you to “woman up” and take charge of setting a course for the future for you and your baby.

Since you have a supportive family, maybe you could sit down with your parents and have an honest talk about the situation. You need to go to school and prepare yourself for a good job so that you can support your child. Talk with your parents about how much and what kind of help they are willing to provide. Can you and your son go back to live in their home while you go to school? Can they help you out with childcare? Can all of you do this without guilt and resentment? Meanwhile, also talk to your local human services agency to see what kind of help might be available for someone in your position. There may be scholarships or childcare vouchers or subsidized housing available to help you get on your feet. Services vary from state to state so I can’t be more specific.

Focus on making progress toward independence and on raising your little boy. Hopefully, your boyfriend will stay involved as a father and will eventually grow up enough himself to contribute to his son’s support. At some point, you will meet a man who can love you and your son and who can make the kind of family you’ve always wanted. You will then have a real partner. And your son will have two men in his life who love him.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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