I don’t even know where to begin, honestly. I came here because I’ve been researching tons of things trying to come up with an idea of what to do with myself. I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder according to a psychiatrist I saw for a while but no longer see anymore. I had a very dysfunctional childhood with an abusive mother both physical and mental when I got older. I guess I could go on and on about my background but that’s not really the question…I don’t really know what to do right now; at this point I’m lost. I push everyone away; nobody wants to deal with me. I harm myself physically and other emotionally. I go into fits of rage and depression over stuff I shouldn’t even care about and I’ll do stupid things when I do like break something I actually really care about or say things I don’t mean. I don’t like leaving my house, Id rather sit in bed or on here all day then actually get dressed and go out. I go through stages of numbness, where I feel nothing and like I don’t care about anyone– not even myself. Right now honestly I feel like a mix of feelings, sad and angry and hopeless. I was on meds originally but my mom wants nothing to do with my grandparents cant and me afford anything. I have tried to commit suicide numerous times, gotten in fights with just about everyone, pushed away loved ones, abused alcohol, had risky sexual relations that I didn’t really want to do that were against my morals and recently I shoplifted and was caught, I gave up on school too.
I don’t honestly know what to do, I feel like I’m hopeless and I’d be better off dead which basically my own mother agrees with, which is pretty sad. I need help, and I just don’t know who or where to turn to. Any advice any help anything would be greatly appreciated. Please.
One of the things that comes through in your letter is a desire to change. While I hear the frustration and sense of not being able to evolve past all this, I am also very much aware of the fact that you very seriously want a positive change in your life.
First let me say that you need to find a way to minimize the effect your mother has on you. If there is any safe way you can get away from such a toxic individual do it now. How can you get healthy and have peace in your life when your mother gives you exactly the wrong information? I would perhaps ask your grandparents for help directly. Your mother isn’t giving you good information. That is a sign of her own pathology, and not something for you to accept.
I am going to recommend the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) groups in your area. Here is a link to those. But you may also need a psychiatric evaluation so some medicine can be prescribed. I would make an appointment with a psychiatrist in your area as soon as possible. If your grandparents are not able to help, you can use a local clinic who can provide services for low or no cost. Use the NAMI site to get information in your area.
Here is a self-help site for dialectical-behavioral therapy (DBT). This is an effective form of therapy for some of the symptoms you have described, and you may be able to find a program in your area. I would also consider the LifeHelper forums here, which are free.
Use your desire for change to find the help that you need now. The symptoms you’ve described are difficult, but certainly possible to cope with.
Wishing you patience and peace,