I get a hungry feeling when I think of murder. The blood, the meat, it fascinates me. I’m always thinking of the kill. I’ve never done it though. But I’ve done horrible things that are illegal, cheated on tests, lied and had sex with other women while having a girlfriend, etc. I know I’m insane, nothing will change the psychopathy in my deranged soul. But I’d like to know why I want to shoot people, even children. I was bullied a lot in school though. Maybe that’s it?
People who have been bullied or abused often feel weak and powerless. Their fantasies might involve situations where they stop being victims and become the victimizer, having all the power and control. Fantasies about harming people can give someone the feeling of ultimate power and control, even if only temporarily. No one likes to feel weak and powerless.
Sometimes, it isn’t clear why people think the way they do. In many cases, it doesn’t necessarily matter why. What matters most is preventing violent behavior. This is especially true for people who struggle with self-control and impulsivity. When those issues arise, it is clear that professional help is needed.
You mentioned that you were “insane” and that nothing will change the “psychopathy.” There is an important distinction between insanity and psychopathy. Insane is a legal term, not a medical term. It essentially means that someone has trouble distinguishing reality from non-reality (psychosis).
Psychopathy is a term used to describe a set of personality characteristics in which a person engages in illegal and immoral behavior, is fully aware of what he or she is doing and simply doesn’t care. Generally, people are not both psychotic and psychopathic (but it can and does happen).
You admitted to doing what you described as “horrible things.” That would suggest you might have harmed people or animals and you should do everything in your power to prevent this from happening again. When you harm others, you are actually harming yourself. If you engaged in the fantasies that you described, your life as you know it would end. You could easily find yourself in prison for the rest of your life, deprived of your freedom and living in a cage. Life in prison is more torturous than you could ever imagine. It would be in your best interest to seek help as soon as possible. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle