I hate every word I say, every thought I have, what I look like, what my name is, how I eat, how I sleep, how I breathe, how I smoke cigarettes, the way I interact with people, everything. I am embarrassed by every single thing I do, I am so weird. I’ve been told by a lot of people that I have strange mannerisms and weird ways of saying things, I know it isn’t just me who sees how embarrassing I am. I am alone right now and I am still embarrassed, so I know it isn’t solely another-people problem. I just can’t, literally can’t socialize or get a job or move ahead in my life or even make one single friend because I am the most embarrassing thing on Earth. I’m diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depression and Depersonalization/Derealization disorder, but this feeling is worse than all of it because it follows me around EVERYWHERE, no matter how hard I try I fail miserably at everything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Depression is likely a major contributor to how you feel. The two other disorders you mentioned are likely contributing as well. There’s no indication in your letter that you are in treatment or have ever been. Lack of treatment could be the problem.
You wrote that other people think negatively of you. That may not be true. You might be misinterpreting their feedback.
Also consider that your negative self-opinion likely influences how you interact with people. You might inadvertently be training them to treat you a certain way. For instance, if you make self-deprecating comments, in their presence, they might simply be agreeing with you and not really believe what they are saying. If you said good things about yourself, they might also agree just to be socially agreeable.
The solution to this problem is counseling and possibly medication. Once your symptoms have improved, your negative self-beliefs will be replaced with more reasonable and realistic views of yourself and the world. Change your thinking and you can change your life. I hope you will give counseling a try. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle