I have suffered from severe depression for most of my life. I also am a binge eater. I am super morbidly obese. I have been on disability for almost 8 years. I have times when I do very well, while disability, I signed up for the pass plan. It pays for schooling so a person can get training to get a job. I went to a vocational school for 3 months, and I got trained to be a jeweler. My first interview, I got a job at Tiffany. A high end jewelry company. I got off disability and have worked there 4 years now. I started working there, and was treated badly. I was bullied by the trainers, and made to feel worthless. I kept my head down and worked hard. I worked so well, I became a trainer, and stood out among my peers. I figured if I did well, I would earn respect, but all that did was fan more hatred. I have had to go to HR twice because I cannot stand the bullying. What is worse, is aside from these few people, the majority of the workers are wonderful. I cannot handle the few higher ups who belittle me. When I think of quitting, I cry, because the thought of leaving all the nice people who work there makes me sad. I just had a breakdown and asked my psychiatrist if I could have a month medical leave. I am having outbursts at work, I am losing all I worked for. I start to wonder if I should just go back on disability. I cant seem to hold it together, I breakdown. To make it worse, my fiancée is in a different country due to work. We have been apart for almost 3 years, we visit each other but that is not a relationship. We plan to get married in July, but I need him now. When we are together, I am very happy. It was when we first started dating that I decided to do the pass plan and get myself together. I did well, food was not a crutch, and was happy, normal. What bothers me is that I don’t want to have to depend on anyone person for my happiness, to solve my problems….because I don’t think that is solving the issues. What if I just masked it? I feel completely empty, I feel so unloved. I feel hollow, and I go from high functioning to completely decimated. I don’t know what to do, I am so tired of fighting for everything in my life. I find all I want, all I ever wanted was to be loved, to be accepted. How do I hold on? What do you do when you cant keep pretending everything is fine? When years of Therapist and psychiatrist don’t seem to help. There seems to be no cure, and no matter what happens, I can never be free from the depression, the food addiction. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I just be treated like everyone else?
You are very right about one thing. You cannot seek happiness and contentment outside yourself. Your happiness and self satisfaction must come from within. Your happiness should never be dependent upon someone beyond yourself. From what you’ve written and the brief history that you have provided, it doesn’t appear that you have yet accomplished or achieved personal happiness.
Make no mistake about it. The happiness that I am describing is achievable and should be everyone’s destiny. You mentioned that you have a therapist and a psychiatrist and that these people have not helped you in a number of years of treatment.
My recommendation would be to try new therapists. As well intentioned as your current therapists may be they simply may not be the right therapists for you. Not everyone you meet can be your friend and not everyone you try can be your therapist. With simple life issues perhaps most any therapist would do, but with more complicated issues it is very important for you to find the right therapist.
Are you willing to change? Will you work with your therapist? Are you willing to work hard? Do you recognize the need to make changes in your life? If so, with the appropriate therapist, your life will slowly change to the one that you have envisioned and richly deserve.
I can sense your pain from what you’ve written. Please don’t think that this is all that life has for you because I promise you that isn’t true. Keep trying. Don’t give up hope. Look for the right therapists. When you find them, devote yourself to the process until you believe you are no longer making progress and then look for a different therapist. Progress will be slow, perhaps slower than you would desire. You must be patient — But be patient only as long as you are making progress. Improvements in your life and happiness and your understanding of the nature of your problems should be occurring slowly but steadily.
I wish you the best of luck. I hope I’ve helped you in some small way. If I have, please don’t hesitate to write again.
Dr. Kristina Randle