I am from India but now in the USA for MBA. After divorcing I went back for the sake of kids. I thought that maybe divorce shall teach the importance of family to my former wife. She persisted with boyfriends (reason for divorce), more than one.
The latest affair of my wife was brought to fore by my elder kid (14 years old). He understands and told me that “mom talks every night and always abuses me (Father). I was consistently abused by my wife when I went back, after divorce, to stitch “the family”. I think I failed miserably. I somehow managed to stay with my kids.
Now, in USA, I met a girl. She is not attracted towards me but she is a hugger. I know she doesn’t mean anything. I was getting hooked to the feeling of getting loved, though only in my mind. I told her what I feel and asked her not to hug me again. I don’t want to live under illusions.
But this interaction triggered introspection.
I am somehow disconnecting myself from everything at a snap. I reach a stage when I simply disconnect from an emotion and then it does not matter. Earlier I used to control this, now it just happens. I can no more control this.
I had a violent childhood. I had seen my mother getting beaten at drop of hat. She consumed poison when I was young. My wife betrayed me, repeatedly.
Sometimes I really look forward to breast that I can bury my head and sleep. If I do not drink, I get nightmares and stressed muscles for whole day; if I drink I get knocked off and my body or mind is not rested, cramps again.
I want to have love. I have not touched a female for 13 years now. Sex is byproduct of love. I want to have a life. My last relationship left me blank. I want to have a normal life, a family.
I keep on forgetting things, my emotions stops abruptly.
I want to get over my former wife, have my kids, and a woman who can love me. My last relationship, with for wife, left me scarred and mentally impotent.
IS THERE HOPE?
So much more to write. Please talk to me, please help. I don’t want to “lose it”. And yes, I am broke.
Yes, there is hope. In fact, the descriptions you give of your symptoms make perfect sense. You have been betrayed and are afraid it will happen again. Cutting off your emotions was a survival technique to keep from feeling the pain.
Yet, you deserve love. The other elements of your letter, about your desire for a better life for your children and respect for the limits of the woman you met, and the fact that you are pursuing your MBA — show a sensitive man with obvious intelligence.
The university you are connected to in the USA has a counseling center that is equipped with highly trained therapists who work on a sliding scale for students who are broke. Go make an appointment. It is time for you to start living your life with love in it.
Wishing you patience and peace,