From Brazil: i used to be a creative, quite outspoken girl in school. then on the internet. on the internet, i met a boy whom i dated. we broke up in horrible terms, and it scarred me to today. that, plus a lot of other horrible happenings in relationships (friendships mainly), has led me to a state of constant alert, where i can’t enjoy my friends company because i’m constantly thinking on how to make >them< enjoy mine.
i’m avoiding my friends as much as i can in the last 3 months – even my friend which i know for 10 years – on social media, and i just feel useless and boring 100% of the time, so i prefer if i don’t even socialize at all. today i chatted with a girl that considers me her best friend and i can just feel she didn’t enjoy our time that much. my classroom, everyone talks it up and has friends and i’m the only one who doesn’t smile, speak a word or even look up. i’m just listening, looking at the floor with this blank ass look on my face. i feel like it’s just getting worse, worse, worse.
i used to be able to fake it, smile it out, joke it out, but i CAN’T anymore and i’m afraid of telling my mom i need a professional since my friend thought i was killing myself and told my mum on facebook. i told her my friend understood completely wrong what i told her, and she did, but that won’t be off her mind easily if i tell her to get me a psychologist.
i just… feel so tired all the time. i feel like i have to be this cute, sweet girl all the time. i’m f-ing not. i’m so… idk. i feel like everyone thinks i’m fake, and that’s something no one ever thought of me before, because i faked it good, for 3 whole years (: i feel like i have to be the popular girl once again to be happy, and my mind literally won’t let me. help. please.
Your horrible experiences with your ex and your friends severely shattered your ability to trust. I think that may be at the root of your isolation, loneliness and despair. I don’t think the answer is to fake it. You do need some help and support to regain your ability to trust other people — and to know who is worthy of your trust.
If you could solve this problem on your own, you would have done it already. I understand that you are trying to protect your mom from worry. But you are protecting her at the price of getting help for yourself. You may also be setting her up for far more pain.
Believe me: As a mother myself, I know that I’d rather deal with worry about my child than have to manage the guilt and regrets and grief if that child hurt herself. Take your letter and my response to her and ask her. I’m pretty sure I”m right about this.
Please follow your good instincts and find a local therapist who can help you.
I wish you well.