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I Don’t Know What Is Going on Anymore

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Honestly, i don’t know how and where even to start… and i dont know how to say all of this in only 400 words…recently ive started to suspect i might have schizophrenia. i believe that everyone is watching me, and i cant trust anyone (that includes you), that there are cameras everywhere, that i am dead and that this is just someone trying to see how id be after my death. ever since i was little too (about 5) i believed i was being watched by people on a secret island and made a film of. i try to convince myself that it’s not real;that there’s no way it’s real..but i cant. i have a psychotherapist, but i just can’t tell her anything i want to. i can’t force myself to tell her anything, but i really want to. and when i tried to explain my anxiety and attacks to her, i couldnt explain it properly.(diagnosed me with DID but i dont feel it at all) at school, when someone asks me something, i can never explain my feelings AT ALL. i always get something wrong,even though i know the answer.i’ve noticed that sometimes my sentences dont make sense to my friends, because i cant even say a sentence properly and i see things they don’t. i also have severe ptsd where at times i go completely deaf and nightmares, but the memories came back only recently (after 3 yrs) and i am sure im just making it up so i can pity myself and have a reason to be depressed. during the past 1yr i also ended up diagnosing myself with different disorders to explain my head-but always changing my mind..(pathological lying,ADD,PTSD,schizo,cotard delusion,SAD..)i know it’s wrong to diagnose myself;but since i cant tell anyone,and just keep lying all the time,im curious&desperate i only have this.i discovered something about myself though-im comfortable anonymous.there’s also always someone watching me from my bedroom window and scared.im suicidal(but im dead anyway so).i have crazy voices in my head that i cant control.i can barely tell whats real and whats not.i hate lying to my friends and family all the time about the smallest things.no one knows though.i cant really put all my emotions and things going on in 400 words.but this is without many details…

It is important to tell your therapist about how you feel. If you can’t say it face-to-face, then write it in a letter. You wrote us a letter here at Psych Central. You can just as easily write your therapist a letter or give her this one. Your treatment might improve if she knew what was wrong. She may be treating the wrong symptoms because she doesn’t have all of the facts.

You might fear that she’s going to judge you but therapists would not do that. Their job is to help people with whatever is wrong. Therapists want to help and are used to hearing about many types of problems. What you reveal will not be shocking. It will help her to know how to help you. It’s the first and fundamental step in getting better.

You mentioned feeling suicidal. Thoughts of suicide are indicative of immense suffering. This cannot be ignored. I’ve seen many people overcome these types of problems and you can too. But it begins with you revealing the scope of the problem to your therapist. Utilize the help that is available to you. Call the authorities if you are in danger of harming yourself. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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