I’m not in a constant state of sadness, but I have moments where I feel very sad, sometimes even suicidal. I recently asked my parents if I could get a therapist, but I only mentioned stress because I thought they would be too worried if I mentioned depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. However, I did end up telling my principal two days ago that I think about harming myself about once a week, which means she told my dad that I do. He’s in another country, so he’s not addressing it directly; he has just been writing more emails to me.
I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 months ago (about a month after school started), and ever since then, I feel very awkward when talking to anyone besides the people I have known for two years. I’m always unconsciously thinking about what to say next. I know I have a lot of friends at school, but it just does not feel comfortable talking to any of them (this is my first year going to this school). Before I broke up with my boyfriend, I was just shy in talking to some people, not awkward. I am theorizing that breaking up with him has done something to my conscience, but I’m not entirely sure why.
When I talked to my principal, she told me that I strike off to her as a very confident person. It’s very strange because I have a really bad self-image, and I think I’m one of the most unconfident people in the world. I hate myself, and whenever I talk to myself, it’s very negative.
My mom makes me very angry sometimes, and it can make me suicidal. It can also make me look psychotic. I don’t exactly remember how because I think I cope with things by forgetting everything that happened.
Sometimes, I wanna cry, but I just physically can’t. I can’t cry until something just completely breaks me, usually a caring email from my dad. I only ever have nightmares. The last good or neutral one I remember is from about 5 years ago. I just dreamed today that I was kidnapped. I’ve never been abused or had any sort of trauma, so this is all very confusing.
Anyway, the main thing that made me wanna write here is that I can’t naturally have a conversation with anyone anymore. How do I fix this? How do I stop worrying about what people think? How do I start being myself again when I don’t even know what my personality is or used to be?
I can hear your persistence and bravery and trying to address these uncomfortable feelings in your life. I think you’ve done all the right things. Letting your principal know is a good thing and, even though your dad is away and hasn’t been able to help very much, the important thing is that you’re talking to somebody about your thoughts and feelings.
The kind of things you are talking about are symptoms that professional people have learned a great deal about. If your parents will not let you see a therapist, or are slow to make those arrangements, ask to see your general physician or pediatrician. When you talk to him or her explain these thoughts and he or she will be able to get you the help you need. The important thing is that you keep reaching out and letting people know what’s going on.
You may also want to use our online forums to make a connection with others dealing with similar issues.
Wishing you patience and peace,