I’m pretty much not very happy. I feel extremely lonely. I live with a grandma who constantly complains how she hates that I don’t do much, has high expectations, tells me I’m unable to go live on my own, and tells me my change of hair is bad. I stopped being close with my sisters at about. 13 years old. And I’m not close to any family. I don’t have friends, just occasional acquaintances at school. So needless to say, I am pretty alone and don’t get out of the house much at all. I’ve been bullied much of my life(at school)- 10th and 11th was by far the worst. I feel very insecure and self conscious now- I’ve turned into sort of a perfectionist and develop high expectations of myself. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated from small mistakes and I’m hard on myself. I don’t shower much or take care of my general health like I know I should; it’s become hard to do it regularly. I also don’t enjoy many things.. at least from what I experienced. 2 years ago (and beyond), I really enjoyed drawing, talking to people online through games, designing websites. I take no interest in any of it anymore. My days consist of school, YouTube videos, occasional comic reading, and looking up diets I always give up on anyways. Waking up even though I wish I could sleep forever.
Most of my sadness either comes in random, short waves through the day or at night. At least I think it’s sadness? It’s like-my heart sinks like when you cry, I feel uncomfortable and weak/heavy, and bad thoughts rush through my head a little. What’s odd is that I’ve sort of taken comfort in my sadness. I sometimes even want something to be wrong with me. I sometimes think none of my feelings are real and I only feel these things for attention, or even my thoughts and even memories aren’t real or they’re exaggerated. Because I feel normal a lot of the time, then don’t… I lie a lot to people; of course I would lie to myself.I just wish I didn’t feel anything at all. I don’t want to live but at the same time I do. I’m stuck in constant discomfort and refuse to help myself. Maybe I hate myself that much or maybe I don’t deserve it. (From the USA)
I respect the difficulty and you reaching out to find an answer. You are a courageous person for looking at what ails you. I would talk to one of your school counselors about the bullying. School counselors are now trained in helping student cope with this. I know it is a lot to ask, but you have taken the first step here — and you deserve to feel better. Talk to the counselors so that he or she can help you unravel what is going on. The thoughts and feelings you are having are not random. They are a direct result of the bullies and your situation with your grandmother. You deserve to feel better. Any thoughts other wise are just reactions to the difficult people you have had to deal with. Talk to the counselor today.
Wishing you patience and peace,