Home Abuse I Don’t Really Know What’s Going On

I Don’t Really Know What’s Going On

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: i don’t do much of anything. i lay in my room, currently living in my aunt’s home, sleeping mostly. hardly listen to music, or go out. i don’t even speak to people anymore. i don’t feel comfortable leaving my room when people are awake and home. it’s difficult to go to work everyday. some days i feel like i can take on the world. mostly though, i don’t want to be a part of anything. or feel anything. i don’t feel a part of anything really, kind of like floating through the day to go to sleep. i feel apathetic about most things, and when i don’t i shove those feelings away, sometimes consciously while other times unconsciously.

some part of me feels like somethings wrong or missing, but i don’t know what it is. somewhere along the way i just lost all drive to do anything anymore. most of the time when i’m awake, i just sit on my bed and think, or allow myself to become engrossed in some tv show I’ve seen before. It takes me a few minutes to leave my room and see people i live with, my family, albeit i don’t know why. i know it feels uncomfortable, like i don’t want to interact with them. sometimes i feel like i’m being judged by them about the things i’m eating or what i might do.

i don’t have any friends really, either i pushed them away because of the bad influence they had on me or they decided i don’t really matter i suppose.

maybe i should see someone, but i don’t have insurance to see anyone or would even know how to go about it all. how can you ask for help when you don’t even know what you need help for? yeah I’ve been suicidal, but i haven’t done it, so i wouldn’t say i’m depressed. i only attempted it once, and it’s kind of funny when you think about it. i was young, maybe 10? a time i would wear capes or a tail as a child. i used bungee cords to try and hang myself aha. needless to say it didn’t work. haven’t had an attempt like that since.

ultimately, i just feel disconnected from myself. Some days, i just, exist.

I know this isn’t much to go on, and i don’t expect a reply. thanks for your time.

Although I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, I can tell you that what you report is consistent with depression. I don’t know why you don’t think you are depressed. Look up the symptoms: #/disorders/depression/.

It’s highly unusual for a 10 year old to attempt suicide. It suggests to me that there may have been a traumatic experience that is at the root of what you are feeling now. If that is the case, you need to see a therapist who specializes in trauma.

To get your life back on track, you do need to see a therapist. Sitting around in your room isn’t going to help you feel better or more connected. You already know that. So — it’s time to get the help you need and deserve.

Ask your doctor if there is a clinic in your area that offers free or low cost therapy. If you can’t find a therapist you can afford, take a look at this article: #/lib/when-you-cant-afford-psychotherapy/.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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