Let me first start by saying, I have not lost anything. I am not in a stage of depression that is causing me to lose interest in things. I am a very motivated individual who works hard, eats healthily and exercises all the time. Thus I do do things and put a lot of effort in to these things. However, i don’t know why i do them, i know it’s the right thing to do and it is important for health etc but i don’t really care about it all. I never have truly “wanted” anything ever. Never had a burning desire or loved anything. I have always had issues with emotional attachment and lack any form of emotional connection with any thing. I have had long term relationships but never loved someone. I don’t care if someone dies. I feel like i am just floating through life not bothered about anything, just living an empty life. Never happy, never sad. Just existing. (From England)
What is curious about your email is that it isn’t presented so much as a question as it is a statement. You’re saying you are dissatisfied — particularly in the last sentence — where you say that you are empty. You describe yourself as being motivated, not attached to outcomes, and detached. These are not universally negative things, but I’m assuming there is a question about how to change these experiences because of the emptiness.
The work is to find moments when you are feeling something other than what you describe. A moment of engagement, or receiving someone’s kindness, a loving act toward you, receiving pleasure, accepting a gift, even tasting good food. The idea is to find those moments that are different from what you normally interpret as “empty”. The work is in finding some fragments that are not simply when you are existing. Look for natural times when something different — something better — has happened. Noticing the differences and savoring them will allow them to be highlighted.
It is easier to amplify something that is present than to create a reaction from scratch. The more you are able to notice and amplify the differences the more engagement and connection to your life you will feel.
Wishing you patience and peace,