From a young woman in the U.S.: I feel disgusted when I’m around my mom. I can’t stand be close with her, I don’t feel “safe” around her, I feel like she’s strange person. I don’t want to talk with her, I don’t want to her touch me or anything like that. So basically I just want be far from her.
But most important thing I don’t hate my mom, she’s a pretty normal person, she’s never been mean to me, she’s never done a single bad thing to me. I actually kinda love her and I want to she being proud of me and just know that I’m okay, I want to talk with her but only by calls or something.
And this weird because I have no reason to behave like me. But there’s another issues. One bad thing I can say is that my mom don’t want to self-develop, she don’t have any plans and goals and that’s make me sad and feel ashamed of my mom, I want to her be successful. I don’;t call her “mom”I never say “I love you” so we don’t have ordinary parent-kid realtionship.
I also all my childhood hated all caressing when someone said something like you’re sweet” I immediately start saying like “no no, leave me alone, I hate this tenderness and shit” In childhood I also didn’t like hugs, kisses, etc. I’ve always been closed in my emotions with my parents since my early ages. Also I all my life been shy and now I have social anxiety. What’s wrong with me? I feel like totally mentally ill freak.
Without talking to you further, of course, I can’t offer a definitive answer. If you were in therapy with me, something I would explore with you is tactile sensitivity. It’s possible that you were tactile defensive as a child and still are as an adult. Not having a way to explain your uncomfortable feelings, you’ve come up with some “reasons” to keep your distance from your mother. Developing social anxiety helps you maintain that distance from other people as well. Take a look at some of the websites that explain tactile defensiveness and see if it fits.
I wish you well.