From a California teen: Ever since about 4 months ago I have lived through the worse time of my life.(prior to that when I was around 14 I started going through a depression which has lasted 3 years until now.) I started having intrusive thoughts when i was out drunk and possibly high (can’t remember) with friends, basically i was scared some neighbor was going to come out and kill me and my friends because we were ding dong ditching his house and i just started having horrible thoughts of what it would be like to kill someone. These thoughts would not go away and by the end of the night i assumed something was wrong with me i was scared i would turn into a murderer.
Since then I cut out all alcohol and other drugs from my life (didnt know about ocd yet) thinking they were the problem and it didn’t really do anything… until in January i spent the weekend up in the snow with some friends and we all smoked marijuana and i kind of had a nice time, but when i got back home all of a sudden my depression and anxiety was gone. For one week I was the happiest i’ve ever been in my life, and the strange part is that I was sick that week and lost my voice. I also think I may be gay and that week I figured I was straight and was ok with getting with girls (which leads me to believe me losing my voice made me feel better because I have always been self conscious about it) I started being myself and even got along with my group of friends i usually don’t really like that much, and i figured all my previous problems were just me finding myself and growing up.
Then i got drunk and high the friday of that week thinking I was finally ok and these things wouldn’t affect me and ever since then i have been in an even worse depression. It has been about a month now and I completely cut out all alcohol, marijuana, even caffeine as of now, and started exercising everyday and nothing has changed for the better. I don’t like hanging out with people anymore and sit at home on the weekend when i used to be extremely popular at parties and I don’t know if its just me growing up or if i’ve developed some serious disorder…
I also have always handled stress well but lately i’ve had to decide where to go to college and other stressful things and most of the time i just go to sleep with comforting thoughts of i would never wake up in this horrible world again. I have A.D.D. So sorry if this is a little messy I tend to get distracted and move on to point from point very easily… but any help would be appreciated. I simply do not know what to do and I fear that soon I will lose hope of happiness in life.
Looks to me like you’re a bit of a slow learner. Some people seem to be able to handle alcohol and drugs. You obviously can’t. Stop fooling around with substances that change you in negative ways and start looking for help in places that are helpful in positive ways.
Your default mode when stressed seems to be avoidance and depression. You need to develop some coping skills for handling stress and tough decisions. I strongly urge you to see a mental health professional, not because I think you have a mental illness but because counselors can help young people figure themselves out and can teach you now to manage your stress and the ADD that makes it hard for you to focus.
You’ve already taken the first important step by cutting out alcohol and drugs and starting to exercise. That’s great. It makes your mind available for what a counselor can tell you. Now, please, take the next step and get the help you need to become all you can be.
I wish you well.