Hello, I need help. I have strong urges to torture people/animals and force them into a bloody death. Blood satisfies me, I find pleasure from leaving self-inflicted cuts on my skin. At first I thought I was just depressed but I don’t hurt myself for that reason, I hurt myself to see my blood. I like the way it looks and feels.
But that’s not the only violent act I wish upon myself, I fantasize about being tortured, I want to die as a murder victim, I want my murderer to cut open my body, I want to see my insides.
These strange fantasies scare me, I can’t stop myself from thinking this way. In my spare time I catch myself glaring at people, planning their gruesome murder and seeing how I’d get away with it. I physically want to kill someone but I mentally don’t.
I’m not sure if this is making sense to you, because it doesn’t even make sense to me.
The only thing stopping me from hurting others is getting my satisfaction from illegal videos online, on gruesome websites such as ‘bestgore.com’ and ‘liveleak’. On these websites, people upload either real-life murder videos that they have committed, or videos of gruesome things that they have seen.
I am not disgusted by dead bodies, gore or blood. Instead, I wish to be in a situation involved with a lot of blood.
I have two very close, childhood friends that know about this, but no one else knows.
I’m afraid that one day I’ll be sent to a mental institution if I end up doing something horrible.
Let’s backtrack a little. I grew up in an abusive family, i don’t want to get into that situation but it might have something to do with the way I’m feeling right now. Ever since I was a child I had always loved death and gore, I remember when I was young, I watched the movie ‘Titanic’. I was never interested in the romance, instead, I would skip ahead to the scene where the ship sank and the passengers froze to death. Whenever my parents weren’t home, or I was alone, I’d play that scene.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I really need your help.
You mentioned being attracted to the physical act of killing and seeing blood. Similarly, people who engage in self-injury are also attracted to the physical release they get from it. It temporarily allows them to shift away from their emotional pain but it is very short-lived. It seems that you are suffering and searching for alternative outlets for your pain. Had you not experienced an abusive childhood, it’s unlikely that you would be having these problems.
The people who were supposed to care for you, to love and to protect you, were the ones who hurt you. That is a breach of the ultimate trust. Anyone in that situation would have felt powerless and helpless. Murder fantasies could be your way of compensating for those feelings. In murder fantasies, you have the ultimate power and control. Nobody can hurt you because you have all of the control. To murder someone is to take away their life force, to end their power and domination over you.
Murder is an act of evil. You’re right to be concerned about this problem because should you carry out your fantasies, you would likely go to prison and perhaps be executed for your crime.
It’s very encouraging that you recognize that something is wrong and that you want help. It significantly increases the probability of your overcoming this problem. You are an excellent candidate for counseling. Counseling will teach you how to express your strong feelings in healthy ways. Others have done it and you can do it too. If you believe that you might harm yourself or someone else, seek emergency assistance. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle