I have no idea if this is normal or not, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it in real life if it wasn’t normal, because then they’d probably just think that I was crazy or something (maybe I am, I don’t know). I have a tendency to want to kill people and I feel addicted to the sight of blood. I get these visions where I cut peoples throats, rip their heads off, strangle them, etc. and if I feel like I’m losing control I often have to find a spot as soon as possible where I can be alone and then I’ll watch people die on the internet and I always go for the most brutal torture blood red ones I can find, but I’m running out of good videos to be honest.
Back to the visions: I get them whenever I’m annoyed at someone or if I get anxious (note: I have always hated people and I never saw at them as other than “useless things”). The person I get most annoyed/angry at is my mom and first of all, I don’t feel any sympathy or empathy towards anyone, second is that I get these visions and third is that lately I don’t feel like I have any control at all of my movements so there’s something in me that knows that I might one day actually kill her. It’s not because I don’t want to because the desire is very strong and I think the only thing stopping me is the thought of going to jail or a mental hospital.
I’m getting tested for Social Anxiety Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder this year and I see myself as a masochist and a sadist, if that helps.
Other than that I would really like a response to this and if there’s any mental disorder that fits then I would really like to hear about it. I really feel like I need some sort of diagnosis and explanation for all of this because I’m kinda falling into pieces here.
It’s encouraging that you’re seeking help. Your awareness and openness to treatment significantly increases the likelihood of a positive outcome. You are doing the right thing by choosing treatment.
Your concerns are warranted. It’s worrisome that you feel out of control. Murder fantasies might function as mental preparation for future behavior. In other words, they might be a form of premeditation. They need to be addressed and extinguished. These issues can be effectively addressed in counseling.
You mentioned not wanting to reveal your fantasies because of your fear of judgment. Counselors will not judge you. They understand this type of thinking. They will gather information about the problem, determine a diagnosis, if one is appropriate, and design a treatment plan. They want to help you.
I have read the biographies of many people who have committed murder. It is common for them to have fantasies of murder, to view violent media and to feel out of control. It is my sincere belief that had they sought mental health treatment many of them would have never killed. With treatment you can gain control of your behavior. Without treatment, you might act on your fantasies. If so, you would likely be sent to prison for life or executed for your crimes. If you want to avoid those outcomes, then you must seek help as soon as possible. Treatment could save your life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle